How to Land Your Dream Job

Well, it’s time of year again. Flowers are blooming, baby birds are hatching, and young collegiates are breaking out of that egg-shell that was the school system and being shoved off by momma bird so you can spread your wings and fly off on your own. Many of you have been planning on where you’re going to work to start repaying your debt of obtaining knowledge, but a lot of you have no idea. Well, I suppose drug dealing and stripping are ideas, but let’s just hang on to those for now.

Envision Success

I’m going to let you in on the secret to getting your dream job, and that is “The Secret,” the 2006 best-selling book to obtain the things you want in life. You could read the book, but I’m just going to spoil it now and save you 198 pages of reading; your mind basically controls the universe (no joke, actual message of book). By putting out positive “vibes” into the universe, you can attract that dream job (and no, you can’t just envision $1 million instead, I’ve tried). This can be done by creating “vision boards,” in which you construct a poster board of what your dreams and goals are, usually by cutting words and gluing pictures, like in 3rd grade. You can also attract your dreams and desires by envisioning yourself at your dream job every night before you go to sleep, or by yelling at God and demand that your wish be granted.

Dress for Success

It’s no secret that clothing affects the way you feel; a crisp suit will make you feel important, an athletic shirt makes you feel stronger, and a Chuck E. Cheese costume makes you feel sexy. So you’re going to want to dress in whatever power-suit or costume that makes you feel like your ultimate form. Also, you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have. This means that you’ll be wearing a lot of nice clothes that you don’t want to get stains on, so I recommend that you wear your power clothes under your street clothes or your work uniform, much like a super hero would, so at any time you can rip your clothes off to reveal that you are “Susan: Graphic Designer of Justice,” or “Jordan: Mouse Man of Mystery, Who Solves Mysteries and can Also Type at 51 WPM.”

Chuck E Cheese
Pro Tip: Do NOT image search “sexy mouse”

Be a Go-Getter

In order to get your foot in the door, you have to be willing to do anything to make them realize that you aren’t just some schmuck in a sexy mouse suit. That means you’ll be doing a variety of tasks that aren’t in your job description to impress the big guy upstairs (your boss, not God, who did NOT give you that dream job you demanded). You gotta look for the jobs that no one is doing, wants to do, or don’t even exist. There’s no one alphabetizing the candy aisle, so why not fill that void? Your manager will take note when they see the mannequins arranged to re-enact the stand-off in “Reservoir Dogs.” Boss ran out of coffee? Get them another one. Boss doesn’t want any more coffee? Purge the entire office of coffee. Someone will notice.

Build Your Brand

In this new age of technology, if you don’t have an online presence, then you might as well cut up your credit cards and burn your Social Security card, because you are off the grid (also, ever notice how much of a card-based society we are? Makes you wonder if all those those 1st edition-holo Pokémon cards are viable in our economy). Brands work. How else am I going to know what kind of soda I’m drinking if there’s no label?

woman-drinking-soda-e1341679897411
“Is it Coke, Pepsi, RC Cola?? I don’t know what to taste!

In terms of internet branding, your website should be easily accessible. Next time you send your resume, make every word link to your personal website. Your website name ideally should be your own name, but unless you’re willing to eliminate every other Jordan Lombardo in the world, you might have to improvise (there can only be one). In that case, make the name easy and catchy, like myblogsitehasafirstnameanditsblogsite (just rolls off the tongue).

Making a website and LinkedIn profile is a good start, but to ensure that employers will notice you, you must adopt the methods of advertisers and  cheerleaders: be aggressive, B-E aggressive. Try buying up some of that blank ad space in newspapers, laying around doing nothing. Better yet, buy a bench for your town and put your face on it. Better-better yet, buy a billboard. Nothing says employable like 60 square feet of your smiling face.

Billboard
Both AMC and the California Milk Processor Board sued me.

Have a Skill

It doesn’t matter what kind of degree you have, nobody’s going to hire you unless you can provide some sort of skill or service they need. Sure, you may a “nice guy” but those accounts aren’t going to file themselves because you asked them so politely. Think of joining a company like joining a RPG party; there’s a healer, a tank, the face, some sort of magic-man, someone who’s sneaky and can pick locks and who pickpockets his party members, even though you were specifically asked NOT to do that, Nathan.

Everyone plays a role, and you have to decide what yours is if you want to be picked from the line of a hundred other “nice guys”. Make sure that your skill is special and unique in order to separate yourself from the herd. And if you don’t see a place for your particular set of skills, then make them see it’s value. For example, if your skill is writing really good well, then convince them that they need you on their creative and advertising team. If your skill is that you can recite all 802 Pokémon and have memorized the typing chart, then you can “handle large numbers” and are a good “problem solver”.

802 Pokemon
The number of Pokémon is like your potential; endless

If all else fails, just remember that you still have your entire life ahead of you and that nothing you do today ultimately determines who you are tomorrow. Now if you excuse me, I’m late to my shift at the “HollyWOOD Strip“.

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Work uniform, NSFW

Image Sources

Chuck E. Cheese

Woman drinking soda

Billboard

All 802 Pokémon

Sexy Mickey Mouse

A Holistic Guide to a Good Night’s Sleep

It happens to the best of us, even the ones who eat the right amount of carbs, vitamin D, and other healthy stuff. You spend the day working and doing the right things, turn off your phone an hour before bed at a reasonable time, and two hours later you’re counting the ceiling tiles for the sixth time. It may happen to others more often, but lack of sleep is a growing problem in our fast-paced society. Here are some helpful tips to get back to sawing logs (where the heck did that expression come from anyways?) and getting a good night’s sleep.

Power Down All Screens

                It has been widely tested that the blue light that illuminates the screens in our phones and television sets has the adverse effect of keeping us from sleeping soundly. They do so by disrupting our circadian rhythm, the gut feeling when you should go to bed and what wakes you up in the morning at the same time.

Read Something

                Now that our phones are off, we need something to fill the unbearable void of nothingness before we can sleep. Books are a great substitute; low stimuli, read at your own pace, and it stimulates the brain (Just make sure you don’t read something like Stephen King). Hopefully, you haven’t sworn off all forms of archaic media and still have a book or two lying around. Let’s see, textbook? You read enough of that during the day. How about a cookbook? It has pictures and an easy-enough to follow plot. Wow, this cake looks pretty good…

Eat Something

                Okay, so maybe you shouldn’t have started with the dessert chapter. Now your stomach is growling, which is going to keep you up. Fear not, because studies show that eating a light bedtime snack can encourage sleep, depending on the type of food you eat. Low fiber and high protein snacks like milk and nuts are easily digestible and won’t sit in your stomach, and there’s nothing wrong with a small bowl of cereal. Cookie dough? Sure, I guess. One man’s trash food is another’s midnight snack. Oh, you’re out of cookie dough?

Take a Drive

                Hey if it worked for us a baby, it should work for us as an adult, right? It’s not a super long drive to the nearest Wal*Mart, and with traffic at its lowest it makes for a nice peaceful drive. I recommend staying in your jammies for added comfort (hey, it’s Wal*Mart at midnight, who’s judging?). Turn on some NPR, they always have something good like an interview with a grandfather clock repairman to put you in the mood to sleep once you buy that cookie dough and get back in bed.

Down Some NyQuil

                This was supposed to be more of a holistic guide to sleep, but I probably should’ve guessed that Wal*Mart would have a sale on them. While over the counter drugs are beneficial to those who can’t seem to get a good night’s sleep, they should be used with an air of caution. It’s easy to depend on drugs to do the work for us and eventually need more because the body’s tolerance increases. Just make sure that you take the recommended dosage and read the warning label.

Take a Shot of Whisky

                Okay. Sure. Alcohol is a time-honored method of aiding sleep. But if you’re going to drink it, make sure you don’t take it with drugs next time. If you look at the label, it specifically says to not do that. But hell, one isn’t going to hurt.

Take a Few More Shots

                Sure, why not? Just next time save me the trouble of creating a holistic guide to sleep and just take drink the bottle of whiskey at the beginning, huh? While you’re at it, why don’t you take a few more hits of NyQuil?

Watch Some T.V.

                At this point, it is strongly advised that you do not lie down or fall asleep. However, sitting on the couch and chilling with SpongeBob while the drugs and whiskey run their course though your system is an effective way to stay awake. Just sit back and relax, but not too much! In fact, it wouldn’t hurt to call over a friend to watch you, also duct tape yourself to the chair so you can’t fall down. Also, look up where the nearest E.R. is located, just in case.

Get More Cookie Dough

                For real though? You just woke up your friend who graciously agreed to watch Nickelodeon with you until you chill down. You already ate an entire Pillsbury roll, is your appetite for unbaked flour and sugar that great?

Get Arrested

                In hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best idea to play “keep away” with the Wal*Mart security guard’s hat, no matter how hilarious it was when they were waddling to catch you, and even more when they ran into the pyramid of Frosted Flakes (now that’s what I call GREEEAAT!). Just be thankful that the following taser shock forced you to pee out the NyQuil and whiskey cocktail out of your body. You’ll definitely be going to court, and it won’t look great on your records. On the plus side, the electricity induced seizures really took it out of you, and they even provide you with a blanket in the county jail. Now all you have to do is find an unoccupied spot on the floor and start counting sheep.

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Horo-Noscope

Greetings weary traveler. Come, come in and warm yourself by the hearth. I see you have traveled far seeking answers. How do I know you ask? Because no sane soul wanders into the mobile home of Chiaseed Flaxman without questions that need answering. Fortunately for you, I have a Masters in Alternative Medicine and a certificate for Reiki Healing. What’s that? Your horoscope? I guess I could do that. Seems like a weird thing to travel into the middle of a haunted carnival for, but sure why not. Let us gaze into the stars and ask the heavens what your lies in your future:

Aries: You’ll find love in unexpected places. Wait, they’re right behind you, turn around quick! Damn, you just missed them.

Taurus: As the seasons change, fresh rain and flowers cover the soil. When was the last time you changed your car oil?

Gemini: That tweet you were thinking of posting might seem funny now, but you will regret it later.

Cancer: Don’t wait for opportunity to come knocking, bust down the door and get it! Punch your fist of determination through the door of uncertainty and grab opportunity by the throat! Carpe diem baby!

Leo: Unexpected wealth will find its way into your life. Cherish this good fortune and spend it where it’s needed most. Also, you should probably call your grandpa soon.

Virgo: Don’t go chasing waterfalls, focus on what is real and achievable. Unless you’re still trapped in the Matrix, then nothing is real.

Libra: You’ll soon find yourself overwhelmed with new responsibilities. Best to prepare yourself for hard work ahead, or you could just avoid it completely.

Scorpio: Keep your eyes open and be aware. Sometime in the near or distant future, you’ll find some amount of money on the ground or a on bus.

Sagittarius: You will go on a trip in the near future, clear your schedule. In your travels, make sure that you exclusively eat from the gas station “hot” meals to save money.

Capricorn:  You’ve been caught in a rut for a while. You need to mix up your routine. Try wearing different colored socks, getting a new haircut, or maybe even change your name and identity. You’ll notice the difference.

Aquarius: Assertiveness will be key to success in your endeavors. Tackle your obstacles with the determination of a dog trying to lick the last of the peanut butter out of the jar. Don’t let anyone get in your way, especially your friends and family. Step on everyone’s heads when you’re climbing the ladder to success.

Pisces: Watch out for Aquarius.

DISCLAIMER: the advice of Chiaseed Flaxman is not to be taken seriously, as he is not a licensed fortune teller certified by the Bureaucracy of Unworldly Truths and Thaumaturgic Sages (BUTTS). Please consult your personal astrologist for your readings.

Image source

Friendship Resume

Dear Prospective Friend/Group of Friends:

Hello! My name is Jordan, and I am writing to you because I noticed an opening in your circle of friends on your Facebook page. My various interests and experience in a number of workplace and social situations will be a perfect fit for your friendship needs.

Workout Buddy

I have spent a number of hours in the gym of my university, and as such am familiar with the various spotting techniques. Such as; holding the bar when bench-pressing, holding your waist when you dead-lift, wiping down the bar and seat before and after you use it, wiping down your forehead and neck after each workout, and squirting water into your mouth when we’re running so you won’t get dehydrated (I’ll also be carrying some clementines, bandages, and other supplies in my fanny-pack).

Music Buddy

My musical palate is wide and encompassing, and I have a plethora of different kinds of music in my music library (list available upon request). Therefore, no matter what kind of music you’re into, odds are that I will also be down with it, or at the very least tolerating of it. I can also introduce you to some sweet musical licks that are often overlooked (Pixies, CAKE, Childish Gambino; free samples). Even if you have some weird, musical guilty pleasure, I totally won’t make fun of you for it. In addition, I have been to Lollapalooza (which counts for like 10 concerts) so you can bring me to concerts as a buddy.

Nerd Buddy (optional)

While not required, I am willing and happy to “nerd out” with you, which may or may not involve; seeing bad super hero movies, playing D&D, over analyzing television shows and interpret them wildly, or talking about the lore of Lord of the Rings and Pokémon (my area of expertise). However, if you think that’s stupid, that’s okay too I guess. You can feel free to ignore it completely, or even make fun of me for it, I don’t care. I’m willing to take my licks in the exchange for social interactions, I’m pretty desperate at this point.

Bar Buddy

I am willing to be the designated sober friend if one is to be required, such as the case in a bar-crawl, sporting event, party, or any other event where there is alcohol and things are going to get wet ‘n’ wild. I also maintain a regular workout routine, and am able to carry one or more persons from a bar to the car if necessary. I have experience in household cleaning, proper broken glass disposal, and am CPR & AED certified, and know where the nearest pharmacy/hospital is for emergency cases. I also cook a mean breakfast and french press when you wake up at noon the next day and don’t want to get changed to go to IHop.

Drunk Buddy

Of course, what good is a friend if you can’t get good and turnt with them? I have been drinking wine (at the permission of my parents) from a young age in order to build up my tolerance. My father also brewed his own beer, instilling in me a greater appreciation for beer and a wide range of different styles of beer. I also have my own cocktail shaker, making me somewhat of an alchemist when it comes to the art of crafting potent potions and sizzling spirits. Also, since I have an average alcoholic tolerance, there’s a good chance that you’ll get to see me buzzed and suggestible to doing some stupid things (please use responsibly).

I thank you again for taking the time to review my application, and I hope to hear from you soon. I’m sure that after your group reviews my past references and experience, you’ll be more than glad to let me join you.

P.S. I am willing to pay you per each social interaction, please, I really need this.

 

Handshake source

Savers of the Lost Ark: Episode II – Attack of the Clones

Hello and welcome back to Savers of the Lost Ark. It’s good to see you coming back for seconds. I guess my first one wasn’t too much of a flop if you’re back for more, or maybe you’re just holding out and hoping that it gets better, or maybe you accidentally clicked the hyperlink. Either way I’m glad to see you.

If you’re not familiar with Savers of the Lost Ark, the highly successful blog franchise, this is a blog where I go to the local Savers thrift store on an irregular basis and sift through the rubble of societies long past, and uncover a grand relic. I apologize for the long wait after my first one, I’m sure that you all were checking your subscription feed everyday, but this one was a doozy, because I found the script for the 2009 film Sherlock Holmes.

Now I had never seen the film before, but it had looked interesting and I have always been a fan of the Sherlock Holmes stories, so I was eager to watch/read the movie finally after six years.

Unfortunately, it was attached to the script of Alien 3 in the same bag. I kindly asked the upper crust of Savers if I could purchase just one of the scripts, even at the same price, but apparently they’re bag-huggers, and don’t believe in opening bags once they’ve been sealed.

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Oh well.

I had never read a script before, much less an action-packed one, so I didn’t know what to expect. One thing I did enjoy was that I was in control of the movie, whereas a moving pictures movie shows you what the director want you to see. When writing a script, the author gives just enough information that is essential to the movie, such as blocking and lines and scenery, but leaves the rest of it to the movie makers, or in this case me.

I’m not sure how dark or dim the streets of London were in the film, my London was much brighter and happier. Everyone was wearing bowler hats, holding parasols, playing some footballs, and eating fish and chips, just like 18th century London. And instead of envisioning Robert Downy Jr. and Jude Law as the illustrious Holmes and Watson, I choose Johnny Depp and Charlie Day instead, and Michael Shannon as Blackwood. I don’t have to travel to another reality with that line-up to enjoy the film, I only need a little imagination.

Overall the film was pretty good. I could easily envision the situation in my head, even the fast-paced, actiony parts. The dynamic between Johnny Depp and Charlie Day was phenomenal, I could feel the tension as their characters were drifting apart. Also the sex scene with Johnny Depp and Maggie Smith as Irene was still pretty hot

Golden Globe Nominations
Don’t tell me you never thought about it.

For $5.99 this is a steal. It’s not everyday that you come across a script for any movie, and for less than $10 too I jumped at the opportunity.

Also Alien 3 made excellent confetti. Shredded very nicely. 10/10 shredibility.

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Image Sources
Movie Poster
Maggie Smith

My Bid for the White House PR Manager

Dear Mr. President,

My name is Jordan, and I am applying for the position of Public Relations Manager for the White House. I realize that there is not an official position of that name yet, and it shows based on the recent world-wide protests of you. I only wish to offer my services, and won’t try to force you to change anything major such as your trademark and probably copyrighted hair. As a show of good faith, I will offer a few suggestions that will make you appear much less menacing to the masses for free:

 

  1. Connect to the People

In the months of campaigning, you have been portrayed as a champion of the people and understand their grievances. Unfortunately, you’re not and don’t, which will create distance between you, the people and their problems. For example; someone whose car broke down and has no other way to get to work, is a totally different problem to someone who can just take the spare Lamborghini and doesn’t need to drive to work. Might I suggest a “Prince and the Pauper” scheme, in which you find your financially poor double and change places with them for a week. The experience will be humbling, and I’ll be sure to continue posting incoherent tweets at odd hours and making vaguely threatening phone calls to other countries in your absence to alleviate any suspicion.

 

  1. Don’t Try to be Cool

Let’s face it, Obama was one of the coolest presidents that have ever held the position. This is not some biased opinion, it is a fact; water boils at 212° F, freezes at 32° F, and Barack Hussein Obama was the coolest President as of 2017. Now I know that sounds harsh, but if you were as half as cool as Obama is you would have busted out a smooth saxophone solo at your debates. I’m not telling you this out of spite, but of concern. There are few things in this world that make people as uncomfortable as watching someone try to be the Fonz. Especially the younger voters, they are ruthless. However, you have shown a knack for social media websites, which does give you an edge, but be careful on that slippery slope. I think everyone remembers when Hillary tried to be cool. So before you attempt to Ollie off the steps of the White House in front of the press, don’t be cool.

hillary-clinton-follow-ehillaryclinton-how-does-your-student-loan-debt-1735991
Never forget
  1. But Really Though, Just be Cool

Now I know I just said to don’t try to be the cool President, but I am going to need to just be cool, which is also slang for chill, or lax (those were hip words, and I advise you to follow rule 1 and never use them). Sure, the voters love your conviction and inability to take no for an answer, but now that you’re President you’ve got to start pulling some punches. You already managed to piss off a couple of countries the week before your inauguration, and the research shows that trend is not slowing down.

trump-chart
Microsoft Office is one of my many employable skills

I know that silencing the National Parks and shooing away pesky Univision reporters can be an effective way of quelling any criticisms, but you have to admit it kinda looks bad to everyone else. Also, your Twitter rants have got to stop. I’m sorry, I know you love your Tweets, but you risk people experiencing “Trump Fatigue”, in which they become less inspired and more annoyed by the round-clock Tweets. I’m sure that once I start you on a daily regimen of yoga and self-reflection, you will loosen up and maybe even lose that reddish complexion.

 

  1. Change the Look

I know I said I wouldn’t, but I must. There’s no other way around it, but please know that this is for your own good and image. Just look at your Presidential portrait:

800px-donald_trump_official_portrait
“Yes I’m sure this is the pose I want, stop asking”

Does that look like the face of a man who’s happy to be there? You look like a kid whose been forced to clean up and dragged to picture day. Hell, even FDR smiled in his pictures, and he lived during the Depression, WWII and had Polio. First, did you know that your hair used to be brown? Because there are photos of it being brown. I know that you’re trying to achieve a younger look, but the stress of Presidenting a country will hinder those plans and sap what little youth you have left. Better to drop the make-up and hair color and try to own your age (not to mention the amount you’ll save on bleach).

Header Image

Presidential Portrait

Savers of the Lost Ark

Hello and welcome to a segment called “Savers of the Lost Ark” where on an irregular basis I go to the Savers thrift store in Crystal Lake and find a gem amongst society’s trash.

On my first expedition to Savers, I came across an artifact lost to time; a vintage Pajama Sam metallic lunch box.

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Now for those of you unfamiliar with the Pajama Sam series; Pajama Sam was a beloved point and click computer disc game by Humongous Entertainment, the same company that produced such favorites as Freddi Fish, Putt-Putt, and Backyard Sports in the mid 1990’s. Now if memory serves, Pajama Sam was the grittier game for children 10 and up (the oldest age group for any HE games), as they were the survival-horror games.

The games involved Pajama Sam (voiced by Bobby Hill) accidentally stumbling upon another dimension (or being kidnapped) full of talking inanimate objects that related to his, and many of our own most primal fears; sleeping without the nightlight on, thunder & lightning, and eating your vegetables. The worlds in question always revolved around his fear, like talking food or rain clouds, which led me to believe that he was actually going into a very-real dream-like state, where his own imagination was trying to kill him.

But enough about a beloved children’s game, onto the product!

The lunch box is 1ft x 10in x 8in, leaving plenty of room for a sandwich with some snacks, a small thermos, 3 soda cans, about 4 cups of loose cereal, or a small salad if you wanted to get creative and step up your lunch game. Now because it’s metallic, you won’t run the risk of the closing latch snapping off if your box was too heavy like many of those crappy plastic ones do, plus it gives it that classic lunch box feel that will be turning heads.

Of course the selling feature is the beautiful Pajama Sam illustration on both sides, which displays Pajama Sam looking for a way out of his nightmarish world and avoid being caught between a war between vegetables and sweets. While some of the edges show some wear and tear, the image itself doesn’t have a scratch on it.

Now $1.99 might seem a little cheap when you consider that I have not found another Pajama Sam lunch box on the internet (collector’s item???), but it was previously owned by a couple of stupid kids who wrote their dumb names in sharpie on the inside. Nothing that a lil’ Windell can’t fix.

My overall rating for this: 7/10

Now to wrap it up and give it as a gift to my brother, who will likely appreciate this thoughtful gift because his name is also Sam. Happy Birthday Sam!

Savers image source