Guide to Enjoying the Solar Eclipse

Congratulations! You’re lucky enough to be in a time and place where you can view the Solar Eclipse, an event that won’t be visible for another seventy years or so. I’m sure that you’ve read up on all of the material on eclipses, but if you’re going to enjoy an eclipse, you gotta do it right!

  1. Make a Day of It
    Seeing a solar eclipse only happens once or twice in a person’s lifetime, if they’re lucky. Make sure that you don’t miss this ultra-rare opportunity by clearing your schedule and even taking the day of from work in advance.
    Even better if you invite your friends over for an eclipse viewing party, and have everyone bring eclipse-inspired foods, like moon cakes, Coronas, and make a playlist (Blackhole Sun, Black Sun, Invisible Sun, Total Eclipse of the Heart, etc.)
  2. Find a Good Spot
    In order to enjoy the eclipse fully, it’s important that you find a somewhat secluded spot away from other people and any unnecessary noise that would distract you from nature’s wonder. An open field or abandoned parking lot with plenty of access to the sky are ideal.
  3. Bring Protection
    It goes without saying to NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE SUN. Even though it isn’t as bright as a full sun, the UV rays are just as damaging to your corneas. Bring some special eclipse viewing glasses, a welding mask, or make your own viewing box to enjoy the spectacle without later needing spectacles. Also make sure to bring sunscreen if you’ve got sensitive sun, bug spray, umbrellas, and a large sack of salt (more on that later).
  4. Get There in Advance
    Setting up a spot in advance ensures that you and your friends will have plenty of time to mingle and chat before the eclipse. It will also give you some time in advance to prepare the ritual, so that you aren’t running around at the last minute making sure everything is perfect and in order. Remember, you’re there to have fun!
  5. Prepare the Sigil of the Gateway
    Using the collected ashes from a burned down church/temple, create a circle 30 feet in diameter,  making sure that it is as close to a perfect circle as mathematically possible (this is why you want to get there early). Make your circle in an area that is relatively unobstructed by rocks or hills, for perfection is key. Fill in the circle according to the “Sigil of the Gateway” located in your Necronomicon.necronomicon_symbol
    Again, I cannot stress enough how perfect to the “T” it must be. Mnomquah is a stickler for details.
  6. Create a Circle of Warding
    This is where the sack of salt comes in. Positioning you and your friends around the edges of the Sigil, each of you create a smaller circle of salt around yourselves. Now this won’t protect you completely, but it will make Mnomquah notice your presence and that you had a hand in his awakening.
  7. Start the Chant
    Reading from the 112th stanza of the “Epic of the Deep”, from the top of the line:
    “MGLW’NAFH SQUOP RHY’LEIGH NAMK PMN’OEPR MNOMQUAH KUZ PH’OMN”, contentiously throughout the entirety of the eclipse. You’re going to be chanting this for a while, so make sure that you’re plenty hydrated and have memorized the lines. It helps if you can chant in Deep Speech.
  8. Behold the Presence of Mnomquah
    If you did everything right, at the totality of the eclipse the moon should remain in place and the sky should be colored a dark crimson red. You should be hearing a rumbling reply that makes you want to vomit. If you don’t want to vomit, you did something wrong and that’s not Mnomquah, but Gleeth, The Blind God of the Moon, and you should soon be blessed by becoming deaf and blind.
    But chances are that other people are also performing the ritual, and Mnomquah should be emerging from his prison in Lake of Ubboth on the moon to lay waste to our world.
  9. Await Mnomquah’s Judgement
    Depending on how well you performed the ritual, Mnomquah will either reward you by granting you a quick and painless death, or making you one of his emissaries in the upcoming cleansing. NOTE: If you are not in a salt circle, then Mnomquah will not recognize your presence, and you’ll have to suffer the upcoming destruction.
    Do not pray for your other friends and family who didn’t receive Mnomquah’s blessing, for God has abandoned humanity long ago. There is only Mnomquah and the Old Ones. Do not scream for they are nothing but whispers to the ears of Mnomquah. Do not think about the end, for you cannot possibly comprehend what horrors await the rest of humanity. Do not cry, for tears only fill the deep, dark pool for which Mnomquah resides in. Do not hide, for nothing escapes the unholy gaze of Mnomquah’s wrath. Do not run, for there is no running from your mortality.
  10. Have Fun!

Sources:
Solar Eclipse
Sigil of the Gateway

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4 Reasons Why Superheroes Suck

Let’s make one thing clear: I love superheroes. But so does everyone else I guess, but I love them a little bit more than everyone else, which is probably too much. I spent most my younger years reading them and day-dreaming about them, which is why it pains me to say that realistically speaking, Superheroes Suck.

In our crazy mixed-up world, it feels at times that there’s no more justice. Wealthy bankers and violent drug lords walk the streets freely, and you’re stuck in traffic in your stupid not a Ferrari car, in order to get to your not a rich playboy job. Life isn’t fair, which is why the idea of superheroes is so appealing, that if they only existed, life would be much better. Which sounds good until you realize…

You’re Not the Hero

Let’s just rip the bandage off right away; if superheroes exist in the world, you’re not one of them. Even accounting for the X-Gene, that only affects about 0.5% of the population, and being double-jointed does not qualify. Superhero movies and comics are cool because they’re told from the perspective of Superman, and not the guy who just paid off that studio apartment in Metropolis and whose office just got obliterated. And good luck getting insurance living in a major city, which is more than likely to get destroyed/invaded/transported to the Mojoverse.

If you’re not the superhero (which you’re not), you’re just a background character who gets lazered when the Chitauri descend on the city. All your life’s works and accomplishments will become nothing more than a human-shaped pile of ash Black Widow steps on (which is the closest I’ll get to Scarlet Scarlett Johansson).
But look on the bright side, it could be worse. You could be a superhero’s significant other, who is destined to be kidnapped and/or killed gruesomely. But hey, at least you’re not one of many disposable sidekicks.

Sidekicks
In memorial (at least the ones we remember).

Everything You Know Doesn’t Matter

One thing the movies fails to address is how the “normies” react to the fact that gods exist. When literal gods Thor and Loki came down from Asgard, I can only imagine the Pope did a spit take with the communal wine. And I’m sure Steve Trevor would have had a few questions when Wonder Woman tells him that she’s part of a race created by the gods (plural), and that some exist just to mess with us. In a world in which 85% of its people identify with a faith, and 15% don’t to any, the existence of gods in our world would cause everyone to lose their collective shit.

People who live according to a religious doctrine would question their entire lives, governments and institutions would be shaken, and sales of WWJD? merchandise would plummet. There would even be groups who would start worshiping the very real (and hunky) Thor, who they saw (mostly) save New York from destruction, as well as some for Wonder Woman and Superman.

The existence of these all-powerful, chiseled gods challenges everything we know about the universe. How frustrated would the science community be if Dr. Strange just rolled up and turned bananas into cold fusion with “Hocus Pocus”? Not to mention that superheroes are constantly dying and coming back to life all the time. Is death even real anymore? If I die, can I come back to life? Does Santa exist? (No, no, and yes).

Santa Claus
Well, no.

They Make Crime Worse

Sure, having demigods walking among us may have its drawbacks, but the biggest help they are to society is stopping crimes, right? In theory, yes, but in theory the Electoral College also works. Despite being able to lift a truck or melt a truck, there’s never a shortage of criminal activity in the superhero universe. Even petty crimes like purse snatchers aren’t deterred by the threat of getting webbed up. That’s because those criminals somehow find a way to match their super-powered opponents, via technology, magic, or throwing boomerangs really, really well.

Boomerang

As it becomes harder to commit crimes, criminals will find new ways around them. A lot of crimes aren’t violent in nature, but are subtler and protected by legal loopholes that can’t be punched into submission. Can you name one superhero whose power is snuffing out white collar crime? Wonder Woman could lasso some CEO into admitting their crimes, but she would need a witness, and I don’t think that she could lasso everyone on Wall Street and in government.

They Hurt More than they Help

Imagine that you are a wealthy billionaire, who lives in a depreciating city that is in need of structure and financial support. Do you: A) donate your time and wealth to creating programs that will help the people support themselves and influence politicians to address the issues; or B) pour all your money into building an underground lair and dozens of gadgets to better punch muggers at night, all while dressed as a leather daddy.

batman
Why else would his costume have nipples?

Even in the Dark Knight trilogy, Alfred tells Bruce in every movie that he could do more to help people of Gotham if he just used his power and money to make the city better, which would in turn reduce crime. But then how could he channel his rage for his parents’ death, by burying his woes in piles cash of women like every other rich guy? Tony Stark’s tower runs on clean self-sustaining energy, but he would rather use that brain power to make a bunch of expensive robots that he’ll just blow up later. Spider Man could use his webbing technology to create temporary crowd-control nets to bag up baddies, but instead he thwips around New York webbing up criminals, and cops have to wait an hour for that webbing to dissolve before they can continue with any other work.

Webbed Up
“My shift ends in 5 minutes, but sure I’ll wait around for a whole hour to watch these guys fall down. I was actually going to reconnect with my wife and children, but no, I’ll just stare at two assholes in a web. This will fix my marriage for sure. Thanks Spider Man.”

And those are just the major heroes, what about the lesser-known ones who just woke up from sleeping in a pile of nuclear waste with ten legs? The only options for them are to fight crime or become the world’s greatest sideshow attraction. Odds are that when they first try to do good, they’re going to break a bunch of stuff before they get the hang of their new powers, and odds are said stuff involves your car. If you’re lucky they’ll only wreck your car, and not accidentally squish you when saving you from a car-crash.

SOURCES:

Jason Todd (Robin) death
Bucky Barnes death
Jimmy Olsen
Superboy death
Stephanie Brown (another damn Robin) death
Dead Santa Claus
Captain Boomerang
George Clooney batsuit
Superman murder

3 Advertising Campaigns that went Horribly Wrong

When you think of ad agencies, the image of a room full of Don Drapers rolling in the dough and scoring with hippie girls comes into mind. But every now and then, those slick-haired smarties royally mess up, but even worse than a Kendall Jenner Pepsi ad. These aren’t the ads that backfired on their creators, they exploded and set everything around them on fire.

30 Minutes or DEATH
Who: Domino’s
When: 1989

If you’ve ever ordered pizza, you’re likely familiar with the concept that if more than 30 minutes have passed from when you ordered your pizza to when it arrived, it’s free. The “30 minutes or less” promotion started in 1973 by Domino’s founder Tom Monaghan, who worked 19 hours a day making pizzas, and totally not on cocaine during that time. The promotion ensured that customers will get their pizza for free if it wasn’t on time, as well as ensure the termination of a delivery driver who got stuck behind a red light for just a minute too long.

This led to a breakthrough in human psychology, in that if you present the offer of anything free, people become total dicks. Customers began doing everything in their power to impede the driver from completing their delivery; changing the numbers on the house, ordering it to the wrong address, not answering the door, and I’m sure that someone put on a fake moustache and accent.

In addition to the threat of being axed, drivers were incentivized with a bonus to whoever has the biggest tip total (which says more about who you deliver to and not how fast). Drivers began speeding through the streets and residential areas like their cars would explode if they went less than 50 mph.

Keanu Reeves Pizza
Keanu Reeves with pizza. No joke here.

Of course, you can only blaze through so many red lights before you collide with another solid object, which is what happened in 1989 when Jean Kinder was hit by a Domino’s driver trying to beat the clock and the sound barrier, which cost millions of dollars in damages. The crazy part is that the promotion didn’t end right then, but continued until somebody was killed by another delivery driver only a year later. Which just goes to show that it doesn’t matter how much you complain about something, unless somebody dies no one cares.

The Noid Takes Hostages
Who: Domino’s (again)
When: 1989 (again, bad year for Domino’s)

If you were around in the 80’s, you most likely remember “The Noid” (If you don’t because you’ve blocked out that horrible memory and I just dug it back out, I’m sorry). If you’re lucky and don’t know who The Noid was, he was a buck-toothed, high-pitched, rabbit-eared claymation monstrosity invented by Domnio’s. The Noid’s primary goal in life was to make pizzas cold (probably because a Domino’s driver killed his family) but was always thwarted by the heat-keeping boxes.

If The Noid sounds crazy, that’s because he was made in part by the same guy who worked 19 hours a day, joined the Marines by accident, created a Catholic law school, an entire town to house it, and most likely was on cocaine at one point.

The Noid
Pictured: your brain on drugs

If you wanted to “Avoid The Noid”, tough luck because the Noid was everywhere. The Noid was on T-shirts, posters, billboard signs, commercials, toys, video games, and Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker video. Everyone with ears or eyes was annoyed by The Noid, but none more than Kenneth Lamar Noid, who was convinced that Tom Monaghan was personally taunting him. He believed that he was the real Noid, and all other Noids are imitators. Did I mention that he was also schizophrenic?

Eventually he embarked upon his holy mission to make all pizzas cold the only way he knew how, by holding up a Domino’s with a gun. He held two already miserable employees hostage in a standoff that would last five hours. His demands were simple; $100,00, a getaway car, a copy of the book The Widow’s Son, and of course pizza, which the employees had to make for him. If there’s anything worse than working in a pizza store, it’s being held hostage and still having to make pizzas.

Thankfully the standoff came to an end without a shot fired when the two employees snuck away when Kenneth wasn’t looking. We can only assume that he was busy making the pizzas they made for him cold. He was charged with multiple crimes, but deemed not guilty due to insanity and spent the next three months in a mental institution, and eventually killed himself in 1995. It probably didn’t help that the police chief called him “Para-Noid”.

Anti-Drug Campaign Makes Drugs Cool
Who: Office of National Drug Control Policy
When: The 80’s and 90’s

Back in the day when it was crazy that a TV star could ever be president, Ronald Reagan addressed the country’s growing concern of crack and opioid abuse the American way; by declaring war on them (it was either that or deep-dry them). When it turned out that preventing people from becoming addicted to drugs was much more effective than just throwing everyone who knew what “pot” was in prison, they changed tactics.

They quickly realized that children are not only the future, but also mindless sponges for advertisements and any kind of propaganda you throw at them. An adult has the life experience and the savvy to form their own opinions and beliefs about issues, but a kid only cares about who would win in a fight between Superman and Batman.

Batman-v-Superman
Spoiler alert: we all lose

But how to educate an entire generation about the perils of marijuana and numerous consequences that will ruin them later in life? Simple, cartoons. Kids aren’t interested in what “The Gipper” has to say about drugs, but they might listen if Leonardo and the gang tell them. One of the weirdest anti-drug PSAs, in which a kid tries to blatantly push pot on another younger kid. The Turtles then appear and asks a class what “Billy” should do in this situation, and the kid promptly tells the youngest drug dealer in the world to fuck off. What sucks is that the animations are just scenes cut from previous episodes of the show with new dialogue. Also, how is this 8 year-old boy, who can’t even stay awake past 9 o’clock, supposed to produce the funds to buy pot?

TMNT PSA
No one wants your weak-ass, 2-cent grass, Kenneth.

Seeing that they hadn’t received any complaints from kids, they assumed the commercial was a success. In fact, it went so well, they decided to make an entire movie of the commercial. Wanting to hit the entire cartoon watching market, every single crappy cartoon from Alf to Slimmer from the animated Ghostbusters show, in the ultimate cartoon crossover that hasn’t been seen since Archie vs. Predator.

ArchieVsPredator1
Only second to Archie Meets the Punisher

In this 27-minute ride through what can only be described as that creepy tunnel scene in Willy Wonka, but with all your favorite childhood memories being twisted and distorted, the entire cast pops in and out to scorn and help a troubled teen turned to drugs and alcohol.

Now this would be forgivable on the basis that it’s trying to do a good thing and prevent kids from abusing drugs, if it worked. Turns out that kids watching those ads weren’t any less likely to try drugs, and actually more likely to do so. It doesn’t matter what the message was, something about the combination of seeing marijuana and Winnie the Pooh in the same scene just makes me want to burn some sweet kush and binge on a big ol’ pot of honey.

Garfield
Also, I find it very hard to believe that Garfield wouldn’t be down with getting blazed, or at least pot brownies.

IMAGE SOURCES:

Don Draper
The Noid
Keanu Reeves enjoying a pizza
Batman v Superman
TMNT – Say No To Drugs Advert (video)
Cartoon All-Stars To the Rescue (video)

Dear Ant Overlords

Dear Ant Overlords;

First off, I would like to congratulate you on your stunning victory of world conquest. To be honest, we didn’t see it coming. Robots sure, aliens maybe, hell maybe even raccoons, but ants? There was no way we were prepared for that curveball. We were also totally unprepared for you eating our uranium and growing gigantic. Who knew that the 1950’s sci-fi Them! was scientifically accurate?

them-1954-fighting-the-ants
If only we listened

But that’s why you are clearly the superior species and rightful heirs of the Earth. You know one of our religions has it written in its holy book that “the ants shall inherit the earth” which in hindsight really should have been a red flag, but everyone thought it was an allegory for something, and not literally God saying that “ants will rule the world.” But of course, all old gods are null and void. All hail the new and merciful Matriarchy of Queens, the holy pantheon.

Poster
I look at this every morning before I start my day

Speaking of queens, we thought for sure that when we sent in Seal Team 6 to eradicate your hill of operations and your queen, that would be end the of you. Well someone forgot to tell us that Argentinean Ants have a bunch of queens for each colony. And who knew that pesticides don’t work on you guys, and apparently only made you guys hornier. While providing a bit of amusement, ultimately didn’t help us at all when the number of giant ants increased.

Adam_and_the_Ants_1981
They also got a hell of a lot sexier

 

But really it was your guys’ teamwork and coordination that really impressed me. I wouldn’t even let a fellow human cut in line at the checkout if they had only one item, much less join him and dozens of others in forming a sacrificial human bridge. It’s no secret that humans’ ambivalence for their own species ultimately led to their downfall, whereas the Argentinean Ants, met each other with familial love. Humans on the other hand, will create arbitrary and often imaginary sects that collide with each other all the time and for no reason other than to fuck with the other. If a Dodgers fan so much as made eye contact with a Giants fan, there would be nothing less than bloodshed.

dodgers-fight-front
Still better than most baseball games

As I write this now from my bunker in an undisclosed area of Antarctica, the only place uninhabited by your magnificent species, (which is ironic considering it’s the only continent with “ant” in its name) please keep in mind that when we eventually run out of food or just can’t stand the cold or eating snow cones for every meal, we welcome your inevitable reign. I only ask that I for in exchange for my traitorous colleagues, who totally dragged me here against my will, that I be placed on supervisor duty at one of your many sugar plantations. I will be stern, but also let them know why I beat them with a riding crop so they may improve themselves in the future.

Note: aside from radiation making them bigger, all this information about Argentinean Ants is true. They’re burrowing underneath us now, wake up people.

Image Sources:

Them!
Ants Bible quote
Adam and the Ants
Dodgers v. Giants

The Sandwich: A Tale of Two Buns

“If they had a social gospel in the days of the prodigal son, somebody would have given him a bed and a sandwich and he never would have gone home”
– Vance Havner

“Chocolate sandwich! Chocolate sandwich! Chocolate sandwich! Chocolate sandwich!”
O Lucky Man! – 1973

The sandwich: the most famous of all hand-held food, recognized by thousands enjoyed by millions, and loved by all. No matter what your flavor is, the sandwich has got you covered. You a big man and need a big meal to make sure everyone knows? Get a big ol’ meatball sub. In the mood for a classic? Make two slices of toast and slap a piece of cheese in there. Don’t eat meat or cheese? Well unfortunately, sandwiches require some form of animal byproduct. Just kidding! Make a PB & J, silly. Are you a gross person who hates social interaction? Stuff a Rueben into your mouth, you dirty animal.

Sandwiches come in all shapes and sizes, from the petite daintiness of the finger sandwiches, to the ginormity of the Dagwood Special.

Much like the modern domesticated canine, the sandwich has evolved alongside humanity for as long as recorded history. Travel back in time, if you will, 4.54 billion years ago. “You went too far back in time, humans weren’t around then” you whine. Well, did I? At this point, various gasses and elements are swirling around each other in a cosmic dance to celebrate the destruction of a nebula, and layer upon each other of corresponding gasses. Sounds familiar? Well it should, because humans didn’t make the first sandwich, the universe did. The sandwich was already coded into our reality before we could even conceive of such a concept.

CUT TO: some cavemen dicking around, smacking rocks with other rocks. One puts their mammoth slab on a hot flat stone to cook, but decides that’s too slow, so they put another flat hot rock on top to speed up the cooking process. Although their primitive brain could not understand why they felt compelled to do so or why it felt so right, they have unwittingly created the first draft of the sandwich, as well as the panini press. Afterwards they make some sweet cave-lovin’.

Jump ahead some 3,000 years or so, to sometime around 1770. John Montagu is a stuffy guy in an even stuffier coat. A political figure in England of a few lame positions, whose life was described by others as “Seldom has any man held so many offices and accomplished so little.” He was also member of the Hellfire Club (1), who later attempts to harness the raw power of the Phoenix Force for their own ill gain, but that’s a tale for another time. Ultimately, he contributed very little if nothing in his life, until today (2).

John was gambling one afternoon when he should have been doing his damned job, as was custom, when he was struck by the primal force of hunger. Being on a hot streak, he didn’t dare to go up and get food, so instead he ordered one of his servants to bring him slices of meat between two slices of bread. His other gambling friends would also order “the same as Sandwich.” Did I forget to mention that he was also “The Earl of Sandwich”? Boosh (3). Thus, the name stuck to what we know today. Historians and philosophers have long debated whether or not John was actually American, as only an American could have invented such a lazy and faster means of getting food in their mouth.

Travelling along the colonialism spread of the British Empire, the sandwich spread its message of portability and deliciousness across the globe. The sandwich soon adapted to its new environments and branched out into new forms; the hamburger, the hot-dog bun, the taco, po’ boy, submarine sandwich, BLT, the Elvis, Philly Cheesesteak, Falafel, hoagie, even black sheep of the evolutionary tree, open faced sandwich.

If evidence of God is in doubt, just look to the layers of the Earth, as soil and minerals from different eras stack upon each other like a grand Dagwood sandwich that is our planet. Once you see the pattern, you’ll start seeing the sandwich everywhere in nature; zebra stripes, clams, hermit crabs, walnuts, even your body is based off of the holy sandwich design. Our entire existence is basically a sandwich of some kind, be it plant, rock or flesh. The sandwich has always been with us, from the beginning to end, when our bodies become the juicy filling of a Coffin Wrap.

So what does this miracle of food architecture say about ourselves, you may wonder? (4) We all have a certain image that we want other people to see us as; cool, calm, collected, charming, witty, über sexy, etc. But in most cases, we are a different person on the inside that when exposed to the world. Our true selves, often juicy and slimy, will dry out if not protected by our crusty, crumby personas. However, it is our insides that make our dry exterior so appealing to others, and why they will risk a bite of blandness to get a taste of who we really are.

Also there’s usually two hot, shiny buns involved. (5)

(1) Really. Look it up, non-believers.

(2) Today being a specific day in the past.

(3) Mic drop.

(4) And you do.

(5) Bet you thought I would make it through the entire piece without mentioning butts, didn’t you?

Image Source

How to Land Your Dream Job

Well, it’s time of year again. Flowers are blooming, baby birds are hatching, and young collegiates are breaking out of that egg-shell that was the school system and being shoved off by momma bird so you can spread your wings and fly off on your own. Many of you have been planning on where you’re going to work to start repaying your debt of obtaining knowledge, but a lot of you have no idea. Well, I suppose drug dealing and stripping are ideas, but let’s just hang on to those for now.

Envision Success

I’m going to let you in on the secret to getting your dream job, and that is “The Secret,” the 2006 best-selling book to obtain the things you want in life. You could read the book, but I’m just going to spoil it now and save you 198 pages of reading; your mind basically controls the universe (no joke, actual message of book). By putting out positive “vibes” into the universe, you can attract that dream job (and no, you can’t just envision $1 million instead, I’ve tried). This can be done by creating “vision boards,” in which you construct a poster board of what your dreams and goals are, usually by cutting words and gluing pictures, like in 3rd grade. You can also attract your dreams and desires by envisioning yourself at your dream job every night before you go to sleep, or by yelling at God and demand that your wish be granted.

Dress for Success

It’s no secret that clothing affects the way you feel; a crisp suit will make you feel important, an athletic shirt makes you feel stronger, and a Chuck E. Cheese costume makes you feel sexy. So you’re going to want to dress in whatever power-suit or costume that makes you feel like your ultimate form. Also, you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have. This means that you’ll be wearing a lot of nice clothes that you don’t want to get stains on, so I recommend that you wear your power clothes under your street clothes or your work uniform, much like a super hero would, so at any time you can rip your clothes off to reveal that you are “Susan: Graphic Designer of Justice,” or “Jordan: Mouse Man of Mystery, Who Solves Mysteries and can Also Type at 51 WPM.”

Chuck E Cheese
Pro Tip: Do NOT image search “sexy mouse”

Be a Go-Getter

In order to get your foot in the door, you have to be willing to do anything to make them realize that you aren’t just some schmuck in a sexy mouse suit. That means you’ll be doing a variety of tasks that aren’t in your job description to impress the big guy upstairs (your boss, not God, who did NOT give you that dream job you demanded). You gotta look for the jobs that no one is doing, wants to do, or don’t even exist. There’s no one alphabetizing the candy aisle, so why not fill that void? Your manager will take note when they see the mannequins arranged to re-enact the stand-off in “Reservoir Dogs.” Boss ran out of coffee? Get them another one. Boss doesn’t want any more coffee? Purge the entire office of coffee. Someone will notice.

Build Your Brand

In this new age of technology, if you don’t have an online presence, then you might as well cut up your credit cards and burn your Social Security card, because you are off the grid (also, ever notice how much of a card-based society we are? Makes you wonder if all those those 1st edition-holo Pokémon cards are viable in our economy). Brands work. How else am I going to know what kind of soda I’m drinking if there’s no label?

woman-drinking-soda-e1341679897411
“Is it Coke, Pepsi, RC Cola?? I don’t know what to taste!

In terms of internet branding, your website should be easily accessible. Next time you send your resume, make every word link to your personal website. Your website name ideally should be your own name, but unless you’re willing to eliminate every other Jordan Lombardo in the world, you might have to improvise (there can only be one). In that case, make the name easy and catchy, like myblogsitehasafirstnameanditsblogsite (just rolls off the tongue).

Making a website and LinkedIn profile is a good start, but to ensure that employers will notice you, you must adopt the methods of advertisers and  cheerleaders: be aggressive, B-E aggressive. Try buying up some of that blank ad space in newspapers, laying around doing nothing. Better yet, buy a bench for your town and put your face on it. Better-better yet, buy a billboard. Nothing says employable like 60 square feet of your smiling face.

Billboard
Both AMC and the California Milk Processor Board sued me.

Have a Skill

It doesn’t matter what kind of degree you have, nobody’s going to hire you unless you can provide some sort of skill or service they need. Sure, you may a “nice guy” but those accounts aren’t going to file themselves because you asked them so politely. Think of joining a company like joining a RPG party; there’s a healer, a tank, the face, some sort of magic-man, someone who’s sneaky and can pick locks and who pickpockets his party members, even though you were specifically asked NOT to do that, Nathan.

Everyone plays a role, and you have to decide what yours is if you want to be picked from the line of a hundred other “nice guys”. Make sure that your skill is special and unique in order to separate yourself from the herd. And if you don’t see a place for your particular set of skills, then make them see it’s value. For example, if your skill is writing really good well, then convince them that they need you on their creative and advertising team. If your skill is that you can recite all 802 Pokémon and have memorized the typing chart, then you can “handle large numbers” and are a good “problem solver”.

802 Pokemon
The number of Pokémon is like your potential; endless

If all else fails, just remember that you still have your entire life ahead of you and that nothing you do today ultimately determines who you are tomorrow. Now if you excuse me, I’m late to my shift at the “HollyWOOD Strip“.

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Work uniform, NSFW

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Chuck E. Cheese

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All 802 Pokémon

Sexy Mickey Mouse

A Holistic Guide to a Good Night’s Sleep

It happens to the best of us, even the ones who eat the right amount of carbs, vitamin D, and other healthy stuff. You spend the day working and doing the right things, turn off your phone an hour before bed at a reasonable time, and two hours later you’re counting the ceiling tiles for the sixth time. It may happen to others more often, but lack of sleep is a growing problem in our fast-paced society. Here are some helpful tips to get back to sawing logs (where the heck did that expression come from anyways?) and getting a good night’s sleep.

Power Down All Screens

                It has been widely tested that the blue light that illuminates the screens in our phones and television sets has the adverse effect of keeping us from sleeping soundly. They do so by disrupting our circadian rhythm, the gut feeling when you should go to bed and what wakes you up in the morning at the same time.

Read Something

                Now that our phones are off, we need something to fill the unbearable void of nothingness before we can sleep. Books are a great substitute; low stimuli, read at your own pace, and it stimulates the brain (Just make sure you don’t read something like Stephen King). Hopefully, you haven’t sworn off all forms of archaic media and still have a book or two lying around. Let’s see, textbook? You read enough of that during the day. How about a cookbook? It has pictures and an easy-enough to follow plot. Wow, this cake looks pretty good…

Eat Something

                Okay, so maybe you shouldn’t have started with the dessert chapter. Now your stomach is growling, which is going to keep you up. Fear not, because studies show that eating a light bedtime snack can encourage sleep, depending on the type of food you eat. Low fiber and high protein snacks like milk and nuts are easily digestible and won’t sit in your stomach, and there’s nothing wrong with a small bowl of cereal. Cookie dough? Sure, I guess. One man’s trash food is another’s midnight snack. Oh, you’re out of cookie dough?

Take a Drive

                Hey if it worked for us a baby, it should work for us as an adult, right? It’s not a super long drive to the nearest Wal*Mart, and with traffic at its lowest it makes for a nice peaceful drive. I recommend staying in your jammies for added comfort (hey, it’s Wal*Mart at midnight, who’s judging?). Turn on some NPR, they always have something good like an interview with a grandfather clock repairman to put you in the mood to sleep once you buy that cookie dough and get back in bed.

Down Some NyQuil

                This was supposed to be more of a holistic guide to sleep, but I probably should’ve guessed that Wal*Mart would have a sale on them. While over the counter drugs are beneficial to those who can’t seem to get a good night’s sleep, they should be used with an air of caution. It’s easy to depend on drugs to do the work for us and eventually need more because the body’s tolerance increases. Just make sure that you take the recommended dosage and read the warning label.

Take a Shot of Whisky

                Okay. Sure. Alcohol is a time-honored method of aiding sleep. But if you’re going to drink it, make sure you don’t take it with drugs next time. If you look at the label, it specifically says to not do that. But hell, one isn’t going to hurt.

Take a Few More Shots

                Sure, why not? Just next time save me the trouble of creating a holistic guide to sleep and just take drink the bottle of whiskey at the beginning, huh? While you’re at it, why don’t you take a few more hits of NyQuil?

Watch Some T.V.

                At this point, it is strongly advised that you do not lie down or fall asleep. However, sitting on the couch and chilling with SpongeBob while the drugs and whiskey run their course though your system is an effective way to stay awake. Just sit back and relax, but not too much! In fact, it wouldn’t hurt to call over a friend to watch you, also duct tape yourself to the chair so you can’t fall down. Also, look up where the nearest E.R. is located, just in case.

Get More Cookie Dough

                For real though? You just woke up your friend who graciously agreed to watch Nickelodeon with you until you chill down. You already ate an entire Pillsbury roll, is your appetite for unbaked flour and sugar that great?

Get Arrested

                In hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best idea to play “keep away” with the Wal*Mart security guard’s hat, no matter how hilarious it was when they were waddling to catch you, and even more when they ran into the pyramid of Frosted Flakes (now that’s what I call GREEEAAT!). Just be thankful that the following taser shock forced you to pee out the NyQuil and whiskey cocktail out of your body. You’ll definitely be going to court, and it won’t look great on your records. On the plus side, the electricity induced seizures really took it out of you, and they even provide you with a blanket in the county jail. Now all you have to do is find an unoccupied spot on the floor and start counting sheep.

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Horo-Noscope

Greetings weary traveler. Come, come in and warm yourself by the hearth. I see you have traveled far seeking answers. How do I know you ask? Because no sane soul wanders into the mobile home of Chiaseed Flaxman without questions that need answering. Fortunately for you, I have a Masters in Alternative Medicine and a certificate for Reiki Healing. What’s that? Your horoscope? I guess I could do that. Seems like a weird thing to travel into the middle of a haunted carnival for, but sure why not. Let us gaze into the stars and ask the heavens what your lies in your future:

Aries: You’ll find love in unexpected places. Wait, they’re right behind you, turn around quick! Damn, you just missed them.

Taurus: As the seasons change, fresh rain and flowers cover the soil. When was the last time you changed your car oil?

Gemini: That tweet you were thinking of posting might seem funny now, but you will regret it later.

Cancer: Don’t wait for opportunity to come knocking, bust down the door and get it! Punch your fist of determination through the door of uncertainty and grab opportunity by the throat! Carpe diem baby!

Leo: Unexpected wealth will find its way into your life. Cherish this good fortune and spend it where it’s needed most. Also, you should probably call your grandpa soon.

Virgo: Don’t go chasing waterfalls, focus on what is real and achievable. Unless you’re still trapped in the Matrix, then nothing is real.

Libra: You’ll soon find yourself overwhelmed with new responsibilities. Best to prepare yourself for hard work ahead, or you could just avoid it completely.

Scorpio: Keep your eyes open and be aware. Sometime in the near or distant future, you’ll find some amount of money on the ground or a on bus.

Sagittarius: You will go on a trip in the near future, clear your schedule. In your travels, make sure that you exclusively eat from the gas station “hot” meals to save money.

Capricorn:  You’ve been caught in a rut for a while. You need to mix up your routine. Try wearing different colored socks, getting a new haircut, or maybe even change your name and identity. You’ll notice the difference.

Aquarius: Assertiveness will be key to success in your endeavors. Tackle your obstacles with the determination of a dog trying to lick the last of the peanut butter out of the jar. Don’t let anyone get in your way, especially your friends and family. Step on everyone’s heads when you’re climbing the ladder to success.

Pisces: Watch out for Aquarius.

DISCLAIMER: the advice of Chiaseed Flaxman is not to be taken seriously, as he is not a licensed fortune teller certified by the Bureaucracy of Unworldly Truths and Thaumaturgic Sages (BUTTS). Please consult your personal astrologist for your readings.

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Friendship Resume

Dear Prospective Friend/Group of Friends:

Hello! My name is Jordan, and I am writing to you because I noticed an opening in your circle of friends on your Facebook page. My various interests and experience in a number of workplace and social situations will be a perfect fit for your friendship needs.

Workout Buddy

I have spent a number of hours in the gym of my university, and as such am familiar with the various spotting techniques. Such as; holding the bar when bench-pressing, holding your waist when you dead-lift, wiping down the bar and seat before and after you use it, wiping down your forehead and neck after each workout, and squirting water into your mouth when we’re running so you won’t get dehydrated (I’ll also be carrying some clementines, bandages, and other supplies in my fanny-pack).

Music Buddy

My musical palate is wide and encompassing, and I have a plethora of different kinds of music in my music library (list available upon request). Therefore, no matter what kind of music you’re into, odds are that I will also be down with it, or at the very least tolerating of it. I can also introduce you to some sweet musical licks that are often overlooked (Pixies, CAKE, Childish Gambino; free samples). Even if you have some weird, musical guilty pleasure, I totally won’t make fun of you for it. In addition, I have been to Lollapalooza (which counts for like 10 concerts) so you can bring me to concerts as a buddy.

Nerd Buddy (optional)

While not required, I am willing and happy to “nerd out” with you, which may or may not involve; seeing bad super hero movies, playing D&D, over analyzing television shows and interpret them wildly, or talking about the lore of Lord of the Rings and Pokémon (my area of expertise). However, if you think that’s stupid, that’s okay too I guess. You can feel free to ignore it completely, or even make fun of me for it, I don’t care. I’m willing to take my licks in the exchange for social interactions, I’m pretty desperate at this point.

Bar Buddy

I am willing to be the designated sober friend if one is to be required, such as the case in a bar-crawl, sporting event, party, or any other event where there is alcohol and things are going to get wet ‘n’ wild. I also maintain a regular workout routine, and am able to carry one or more persons from a bar to the car if necessary. I have experience in household cleaning, proper broken glass disposal, and am CPR & AED certified, and know where the nearest pharmacy/hospital is for emergency cases. I also cook a mean breakfast and french press when you wake up at noon the next day and don’t want to get changed to go to IHop.

Drunk Buddy

Of course, what good is a friend if you can’t get good and turnt with them? I have been drinking wine (at the permission of my parents) from a young age in order to build up my tolerance. My father also brewed his own beer, instilling in me a greater appreciation for beer and a wide range of different styles of beer. I also have my own cocktail shaker, making me somewhat of an alchemist when it comes to the art of crafting potent potions and sizzling spirits. Also, since I have an average alcoholic tolerance, there’s a good chance that you’ll get to see me buzzed and suggestible to doing some stupid things (please use responsibly).

I thank you again for taking the time to review my application, and I hope to hear from you soon. I’m sure that after your group reviews my past references and experience, you’ll be more than glad to let me join you.

P.S. I am willing to pay you per each social interaction, please, I really need this.

 

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Savers of the Lost Ark: Episode II – Attack of the Clones

Hello and welcome back to Savers of the Lost Ark. It’s good to see you coming back for seconds. I guess my first one wasn’t too much of a flop if you’re back for more, or maybe you’re just holding out and hoping that it gets better, or maybe you accidentally clicked the hyperlink. Either way I’m glad to see you.

If you’re not familiar with Savers of the Lost Ark, the highly successful blog franchise, this is a blog where I go to the local Savers thrift store on an irregular basis and sift through the rubble of societies long past, and uncover a grand relic. I apologize for the long wait after my first one, I’m sure that you all were checking your subscription feed everyday, but this one was a doozy, because I found the script for the 2009 film Sherlock Holmes.

Now I had never seen the film before, but it had looked interesting and I have always been a fan of the Sherlock Holmes stories, so I was eager to watch/read the movie finally after six years.

Unfortunately, it was attached to the script of Alien 3 in the same bag. I kindly asked the upper crust of Savers if I could purchase just one of the scripts, even at the same price, but apparently they’re bag-huggers, and don’t believe in opening bags once they’ve been sealed.

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Oh well.

I had never read a script before, much less an action-packed one, so I didn’t know what to expect. One thing I did enjoy was that I was in control of the movie, whereas a moving pictures movie shows you what the director want you to see. When writing a script, the author gives just enough information that is essential to the movie, such as blocking and lines and scenery, but leaves the rest of it to the movie makers, or in this case me.

I’m not sure how dark or dim the streets of London were in the film, my London was much brighter and happier. Everyone was wearing bowler hats, holding parasols, playing some footballs, and eating fish and chips, just like 18th century London. And instead of envisioning Robert Downy Jr. and Jude Law as the illustrious Holmes and Watson, I choose Johnny Depp and Charlie Day instead, and Michael Shannon as Blackwood. I don’t have to travel to another reality with that line-up to enjoy the film, I only need a little imagination.

Overall the film was pretty good. I could easily envision the situation in my head, even the fast-paced, actiony parts. The dynamic between Johnny Depp and Charlie Day was phenomenal, I could feel the tension as their characters were drifting apart. Also the sex scene with Johnny Depp and Maggie Smith as Irene was still pretty hot

Golden Globe Nominations
Don’t tell me you never thought about it.

For $5.99 this is a steal. It’s not everyday that you come across a script for any movie, and for less than $10 too I jumped at the opportunity.

Also Alien 3 made excellent confetti. Shredded very nicely. 10/10 shredibility.

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Movie Poster
Maggie Smith