Dear Mr. President,
My name is Jordan, and I am applying for the position of Public Relations Manager for the White House. I realize that there is not an official position of that name yet, and it shows based on the recent world-wide protests of you. I only wish to offer my services, and won’t try to force you to change anything major such as your trademark and probably copyrighted hair. As a show of good faith, I will offer a few suggestions that will make you appear much less menacing to the masses for free:
- Connect to the People
In the months of campaigning, you have been portrayed as a champion of the people and understand their grievances. Unfortunately, you’re not and don’t, which will create distance between you, the people and their problems. For example; someone whose car broke down and has no other way to get to work, is a totally different problem to someone who can just take the spare Lamborghini and doesn’t need to drive to work. Might I suggest a “Prince and the Pauper” scheme, in which you find your financially poor double and change places with them for a week. The experience will be humbling, and I’ll be sure to continue posting incoherent tweets at odd hours and making vaguely threatening phone calls to other countries in your absence to alleviate any suspicion.
- Don’t Try to be Cool
Let’s face it, Obama was one of the coolest presidents that have ever held the position. This is not some biased opinion, it is a fact; water boils at 212° F, freezes at 32° F, and Barack Hussein Obama was the coolest President as of 2017. Now I know that sounds harsh, but if you were as half as cool as Obama is you would have busted out a smooth saxophone solo at your debates. I’m not telling you this out of spite, but of concern. There are few things in this world that make people as uncomfortable as watching someone try to be the Fonz. Especially the younger voters, they are ruthless. However, you have shown a knack for social media websites, which does give you an edge, but be careful on that slippery slope. I think everyone remembers when Hillary tried to be cool. So before you attempt to Ollie off the steps of the White House in front of the press, don’t be cool.
- But Really Though, Just be Cool
Now I know I just said to don’t try to be the cool President, but I am going to need to just be cool, which is also slang for chill, or lax (those were hip words, and I advise you to follow rule 1 and never use them). Sure, the voters love your conviction and inability to take no for an answer, but now that you’re President you’ve got to start pulling some punches. You already managed to piss off a couple of countries the week before your inauguration, and the research shows that trend is not slowing down.
I know that silencing the National Parks and shooing away pesky Univision reporters can be an effective way of quelling any criticisms, but you have to admit it kinda looks bad to everyone else. Also, your Twitter rants have got to stop. I’m sorry, I know you love your Tweets, but you risk people experiencing “Trump Fatigue”, in which they become less inspired and more annoyed by the round-clock Tweets. I’m sure that once I start you on a daily regimen of yoga and self-reflection, you will loosen up and maybe even lose that reddish complexion.
- Change the Look
I know I said I wouldn’t, but I must. There’s no other way around it, but please know that this is for your own good and image. Just look at your Presidential portrait:
Does that look like the face of a man who’s happy to be there? You look like a kid whose been forced to clean up and dragged to picture day. Hell, even FDR smiled in his pictures, and he lived during the Depression, WWII and had Polio. First, did you know that your hair used to be brown? Because there are photos of it being brown. I know that you’re trying to achieve a younger look, but the stress of Presidenting a country will hinder those plans and sap what little youth you have left. Better to drop the make-up and hair color and try to own your age (not to mention the amount you’ll save on bleach).