Dear Prospective Friend/Group of Friends:

Hello! My name is Jordan, and I am writing to you because I noticed an opening in your circle of friends on your Facebook page. My various interests and experience in a number of workplace and social situations will be a perfect fit for your friendship needs.

Workout Buddy

I have spent a number of hours in the gym of my university, and as such am familiar with the various spotting techniques. Such as; holding the bar when bench-pressing, holding your waist when you dead-lift, wiping down the bar and seat before and after you use it, wiping down your forehead and neck after each workout, and squirting water into your mouth when we’re running so you won’t get dehydrated (I’ll also be carrying some clementines, bandages, and other supplies in my fanny-pack).

Music Buddy

My musical palate is wide and encompassing, and I have a plethora of different kinds of music in my music library (list available upon request). Therefore, no matter what kind of music you’re into, odds are that I will also be down with it, or at the very least tolerating of it. I can also introduce you to some sweet musical licks that are often overlooked (Pixies, CAKE, Childish Gambino; free samples). Even if you have some weird, musical guilty pleasure, I totally won’t make fun of you for it. In addition, I have been to Lollapalooza (which counts for like 10 concerts) so you can bring me to concerts as a buddy.

Nerd Buddy (optional)

While not required, I am willing and happy to “nerd out” with you, which may or may not involve; seeing bad super hero movies, playing D&D, over analyzing television shows and interpret them wildly, or talking about the lore of Lord of the Rings and Pokémon (my area of expertise). However, if you think that’s stupid, that’s okay too I guess. You can feel free to ignore it completely, or even make fun of me for it, I don’t care. I’m willing to take my licks in the exchange for social interactions, I’m pretty desperate at this point.

Bar Buddy

I am willing to be the designated sober friend if one is to be required, such as the case in a bar-crawl, sporting event, party, or any other event where there is alcohol and things are going to get wet ‘n’ wild. I also maintain a regular workout routine, and am able to carry one or more persons from a bar to the car if necessary. I have experience in household cleaning, proper broken glass disposal, and am CPR & AED certified, and know where the nearest pharmacy/hospital is for emergency cases. I also cook a mean breakfast and french press when you wake up at noon the next day and don’t want to get changed to go to IHop.

Drunk Buddy

Of course, what good is a friend if you can’t get good and turnt with them? I have been drinking wine (at the permission of my parents) from a young age in order to build up my tolerance. My father also brewed his own beer, instilling in me a greater appreciation for beer and a wide range of different styles of beer. I also have my own cocktail shaker, making me somewhat of an alchemist when it comes to the art of crafting potent potions and sizzling spirits. Also, since I have an average alcoholic tolerance, there’s a good chance that you’ll get to see me buzzed and suggestible to doing some stupid things (please use responsibly).

I thank you again for taking the time to review my application, and I hope to hear from you soon. I’m sure that after your group reviews my past references and experience, you’ll be more than glad to let me join you.

P.S. I am willing to pay you per each social interaction, please, I really need this.

 

Handshake source

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