How to Beat Up the Hulk (Hogan)

So it seems that you’ve gotten yourself into a tussle with the Hulkster, Mr. America himself, the Super Destroyer, Terry Boulder, etc., I don’t need to paint a word picture for you here, it’s the Hulk, and he’s pissed.

Snap
Or excited? Afraid? Surprised? It’s hard to get a read on him.

Why you are fighting him isn’t really up for debate, really there are a number of ways you could land in this position. Maybe you accused him of juicing in front of his fans, maybe you challenged him for the title of “Hulk”, or maybe you insulted his mentor Hiro Matsuda; it doesn’t take much to get into a fight with the Hulk. That’s not my place to judge, but rather to guide you to victory or at least an honorable death.

Deciding on the Terms

Now it’s important to establish exactly what kind of fight you’ve gotten yourself into. Perhaps Hulk Hogan let you decide the terms of the battle much like how Death plays for mortals’ eternal souls. If so, challenge him to something you know you can beat him at, like wearing the smallest shirt without ripping them to shreds, or maybe chess, as his meaty fingers will crush his own pieces. He will tempt you into a musical battle, but it’s a ruse, as he had a prolific career as a musician.

hulk_hogan_guitar
Starting a petition to make every dollar bill look like this.

Now the easiest solution would to just shoot him, but chances are that you will be wrestling, and the only gun allowed in the ring is a staple gun. You will also be in front of millions of his viewers and fans, which only empowers the Hulkster as he feeds off the love of a nation. How else would he look this good at 64?

August_15,_2005_Raw.2
How does he do it?

 

Training

Being an honorable warrior, the Hulk gave you a month to train and prepare for the fight, which really is just delaying the inevitable, but it gives him time to hype up the event. Now you could just run away and start a new life in Toronto, but you risk being dragged into the ring in shame as the Hulk beats you to death with your own foot.

I don’t know how fit you are now, but no amount of cross-fit and training will prepare you physically to fight the Hulk… unless you juice up. While frowned upon in the wrestling community, they’re probably not going to test you the day of the match. Think about it; he’s super famous and got tons of fans and money; isn’t he cheating at life? This will just even the odds.

Get into Character

They won’t let you into the ring dressed as “Gary in his workout clothes”, you got to have an angle. You want to spend the majority of your time constructing a back story and designing a costume, which you have now between driving to the back of the YMCA to get your juice. Really it could be anything, the sky’s the limit. A really good one is to be “The Kluh Nagoh”, Hulk Hogan’s mirror world counter-part. It’s easy, just dress the same as him with contrasting colors, with 24-inch thighs and a mutton chops.

snfibvvctnkb14fufntw
They call me, “Late 80’s Cyber Ninja”

The Fight

Day of the fight; the media has been covering this 24/7 at Hulk Hogan’s triumph return to the ring and possibly murdering some guy. You grease yourself up with oil for shine, walk down the stage, sparklers on the sides, entrance music blasting (Controversy, by Prince), the crowd’s loving it. Jump into the ring and holy shit he just ate his own shirt.

Hulk-Hogan-pastamania-712484
To be fair, he eats a full serving of ripped shirt at every meal.

Realize that this was a Horrible Idea

Okay don’t panic, the bell already rung and cameras are on, there’s no running from this point on. You could try, but who’s going to hire someone who dishonored Hulk Hogan in the ring and in front of America? The best thing to do at this point is dodge, flex, and hype up the crowd as best you can while sliding across the ring like an oily penguin. While not particularly honorable, also technically not against the rules. If you must engage him in combat, DO NOT get near those meat pipes he calls arms. Go for the tender parts of the body, like the toes or ears if you feel lucky enough.

ear
Worked for Tyson.

This Man is Invincible

Okay, so he’s pretty much indestructible, and the lack of exercise and excess of steroids in your system is making it real hard to move and breathe (you could have at least done some push-ups or something). After he’s done throwing you from corner to corner and pinning you down, the best thing to do is accept your faith and know that you died an honorable- wait, who’s that creeping up behind the Hulk?

IT’S EARTHQUAKE!

Earthquake_Full

That’s right! Hulk Hogan’s kryptonite, Earthquake, has struck a deal with you beforehand to take his revenge on the Hulkster. There’s nothing illegal about being a heel. With a swift swing of a metal chair, the Hulk has released his hold on you, giving you enough time to slide out from his monstrous (and somewhat comforting) arms. The best thing to do now is chill on the outside of the ring while Earthquake finishes the job he never could without the Hulk wearing himself out trying to pin your slippery ass down. Maybe throw a chair or beer bottle in every now and then. Just kick back and bask in the glow of victory.

Earthquake has me Pinned Down

Ouch, the Camel Clutch. Well shit, that sucks. But that’s the risk you took when you sided with a heel. Maybe you should have tried a little harder to win over John Cena or The Rock on your side. I’d tell you to slide away, but you ran out of oil ten minutes in, and now the janitor is going to have to clean up blood AND oil from the mat. Nice one jerk. Look on the bright side, you can proudly say that you went toe-to-toe with Hulk Hogan and won, though you’ll have to stay out of the ring from now on lest he try to take his revenge in a re-match. Just let yourself slip into unconsciousness by Earthquake’s pillowy arms.

 

IMAGE SOURCES:
prowrestling.wikia
Hulk Shredding
Best Costume Ever

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The 6 Most Baffling Halloween Costumes

Ah, Halloween; the night when the veil that separates our world and the ones beyond are at their thinnest, when there’s always something lurking just outside the corner of your eye, and when more mysteries come to life than answers, like what the hell were costume makers thinking when they made these?

Hipster Mermaid

womens-hipster-mermaid-costume

Hey remember that super popular internet meme from 2011? No? Well the 40 something costume ideas-man does, and he thought it would make a great costume for 2017. The weirdest part is that it isn’t the tank-top or fake sequenced pants that makes the costume, it’s the glasses, meaning that you don’t necessarily have to buy the whole set, just a pair of Raybans. But what if you happen to wear glasses like those and wear a mermaid costume, does that make you a hipster mermaid? By the Theory of Transitivity Property, adding a pair of Raybans to any costumes turns it into its hipster version. Ironically, the only people who would wear an outdated meme costume are hipsters.

Items Included:

  • Cropped Tank Top
  • Leggings
  • Eyeglass Frames

Cost: $34.99-39.99

The Karate Kid Adult Authentic Skeleton Suit

the-karate-kid-adult-authentic-skeleton-suit

Now I know what you’re thinking; “this is just a skeleton costume, why is it labeled Karate Kid? Unless this is the reanimated corpse of Daniel LaRusso, there’s no connection” Look closely dear reader, as it is one of those trick costumes. You see in the film, there’s a pivotal scene at a Halloween party where Daniel gets into a fight with Johnny, who is dressed in a skeleton costume. This isn’t just some half-assed move to re-brand a classic costume, but rather a treat for the true cinemaphillies out there. You wouldn’t get it.

Items Included:

  • Jumpsuit w/ Attached Hood
  • Pair of Gloves

Cost: $79.99 and the feeling of disappointment when no one gets your “clever” costume.

The Big Lebowski “The Dude” Bathrobe

the-big-lebowski-the-dude-bathrobe

You’re probably wondering how a guy wearing very plain clothes made it on to the list. Did Jordan run out of ideas and insert a photo of his neighbor in a drunken/sleepless haze and try to pass it off as a costume? Surely no one in their right mind would call this a costume. Well you’d be wrong on the costume part, and right on the drunk/sleepy haze part (my dog is telling me to go to bed now). No, this is a costume for “The Dude” from The Big Lebowski, sold online for people to buy with real money.

Items Included:

  • Bathrobe
  • Belt

Cost: $54.99 and any self-respect you have left after shelling out for a bathrobe that you’ll only use at one party and whenever you get the flu.

For the same price you could buy the same clothing items individually, buy a copy of The Big Lebowski, an actual game of bowling, and pay someone to insult you for even thinking of buying this get-up.

Men’s Orange Prisoner Costume

mens-orange-prisoner-costume

You know how when you’re invited to a Halloween party by your significant other and you have zero interest because it’s mainly their friends and you don’t really have a rapport with any of them but they really want you to go and you say “okay” just so they feel better and then the day creeps up on you and you have zero time to invest in a costume so you just put on whatever you have and try to spin it as some clever costume idea? This is one of those times.

Items Included:

  • Shirt (no prison numbers or anything, just a shirt)
  • Pants

Cost: $14.99-19.99, which isn’t a bad price for what you’re getting, but you could have used that money for movie night with your S.O. without the social awkwardness that comes with a costume party that only one of you wants to attend.

“Shocking Beauty” Women’s Costume

womens-shocking-beauty-costume

Let me make one thing clear: I am not against people wearing sexy costumes. I mean, I am in the sense that the majority of them are stupid versions of popular things by making them more revealing. That being said, I kindly ask that they stay the hell away from my cherished childhood cartoons and icons. As a male, I come pre-packaged with a hormone called “testosterone” which makes me inexplicably aroused at random and often inconvenient moments out in public and once while watching The Jungle Book. I have as much control over my hormones as a quadriplegic does in a soapbox derby. The last thing I want is for my inner child and primal Id to come together in what my future psychologist can only describe as a “sexual mine field”

Items Included:

  • Romper
  • Headband
  • Pair of Gloves

Cost: $69.99 and the remnants of your childhood innocence and wonder.

Inflatable Adult Boo Boo Baby Costume

inflatable-boo-boo-baby-adult-costume

Dear god. Forget every scary thought that you ever had up to this point, because this costume just murdered them all in their sleep. If Freddie Kruger went to bed after reading H.P. Lovecraft, this is what would haunt his dreams.  The person inside can only peer out through the mouth, which makes it appear that a giant baby has just swallowed a person whole who is now trapped inside this unholy dribbling prison. This seems less like a fun Halloween costume than it does a form of torture outlawed by the Geneva Convention. The only exit is a zipper on the back of the suit, so you better hope that you don’t have the sudden urge to smoke, pee, eat, drink water, have a meaningful conversation, or any other basic bodily needs. The worse part is that they assume that you have someone who can un-zip it for you and free you from the costume, which makes no sense because if you buy this costume you have already broken all ties with the outside world and sealed your fate.

Items Included:

  • Inflatable Bodysuit
  • 2 Battery-Operated Fans

Cost: $129.99 and your ability to sleep soundly at night without hearing the screams.

Responding to Spam-Mail

*the following e-mail was sent to me and somehow ended up in my spam box. To preserve the original writer’s message and dignity, the words have not been edited in anyway, aside from my response in red, pictures, and crappy captions that I thought was funny at the time*

Thank you for responding to my email. I apologize to encroach into your privacy in this manner, I got your contact from a directory on the Internet here in Afghanistan. (I would like to know exactly which directory in Afghanistan you found my contact, and who was the contact that ratted me out?) I find it pleasurable (why “pleasurable?” Is this some kind of fetish for you?) to offer you my partnership in business and I pray at this time that, your e-mail contact address is still valid. I know you don’t know me but I meant no harm sending you this note, just that I don’t have anyone out there to talk to, as I lost my parents in a car Accident (sad), when I was 11 years old, I was raised up by my adopted parents, but they died years ago (very sad), the relatives of my adopted Parents throw me out of the house saying that I was not their real daughter (too sad, bordering on Disney princess territory). I know you can handle this money for me on till I come over to meet with you, we can also build friendship with this transaction. I lived in Lake Jackson, Texas before joining The Force (wait, The Force? Are you a Jedi? Why do you need my help, you’re a cowboy-space-ninja!)

Cowboy Obi-Wan
Artist’s rendition.

You may be wondering why I choose to trust a delicate matter like this in the care of a stranger, (still unsure of what the situation is. All I know is that someone I know is selling my contact information to strangers in Afghanistan and there’s also a Jedi training camp there) but this is the best I can do in my present situation and I would have trusted this kind of project in the hands of my Husband who was my closest confidant, but I lost him to cancer on 22nd April, 2006 5 months after we got married, and my only brother has ruined his life with hard drugs, (jeezus, tone down the tragedy. Next you’re going to tell me that your special-needs puppy was kidnapped by your evil step-mother) hence my decision to work with a neutral person if we can establish some trust between ourselves instead of confiding in my buddies back home so that this little secret can be preserved. (wait, if you have friends here, then why would you risk a secret with a total stranger whose e-mail address you got from a shady contact broker?)

Watch Salesman
Artist’s rendition

Let me start by introducing my self (usually introductions are made at the beginning of the letter and not halfway through, hence the name “INTRODUCTION”). My names are Sgt. Monica L. Brown (what are the other names?), I am assigned to 782nd Brigade Support Battalion, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division[3]. I am seeking your assistance to evacuate the sum of $10,500,000.00 (Ten Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) (very helpful, some people can’t read money numbers, mainly me) as far as I can be assured that it will be safe in your care until I complete my service here (again, you’re putting a lot of faith in the hands of a complete stranger. How crappy are your friends that you can’t trust them with your money? Are your friends the relatives that threw you out?)

SOURCE OF MONEY:

I and some other high ranking Officers made some deal on oil business over there in Afghanistan before my exit to Iraq. The deal worth $132 Million United States Dollars and after we have all share the money I later realize $10.5 Million US DOLLARS (thank you for clarifying that these are in fact United States American dollars, not Canadian or Australian dollars) which is my personal share of the deal, due to my status as US Sergeant, I can not be able to move this huge funds to my account in the United States to avoid further interrogation (further investigation? Do you have a history of embezzling large sums across continents?) or face any kind of probation by the U.S government and I packaged my own share in a briefcase and have sent it to the Red-Cross society, (yo, how big is this briefcase? I did some math, and the average briefcase can hold NO MORE than one-million. Either you have a truck with eleven briefcases rattling around the back, or are hauling a giant-ass briefcase. Neither are good if you are trying to evade suspicion from the U.S. military)

Truck full of suitcases
“Oh what, these? These are just my collection of old newspapers, receipts, toenail clippings, and photosensitive Polaroids. I’m a hoarder by the way. No reason what-so-ever to look in there”      “I just wanted to tell you that your left blinker is out…”

because there is no other way out to keep it with me here, so with the help of a German contact working with the UN here (his office enjoys some immunity) I was able to get the package out to a safe location entirely out of trouble spot. He does not know the real contents of the package, as I have deposited the consignment as a family treasure (so you unwittingly made this good-natured man your accomplice. Nice). Your acceptance to this would encourage me to send further information for us to proceed.

Furthermore, If my offer is of no appeal to you, delete this message and forget I ever contacted you. Do not destroy my career because you do not approve of my proposal (so now I’M the bad guy, I see what you did there. You’ve involved me in your convoluted Ocean’s Three plot, and now the burden is on me to either aid you in your crime, destroy your career, or remain silent and aid your crime by turning a blind eye. You realize that the government you work for has an agency that specifically looks for e-mails coming in and to the Middle East regarding such transactions?). I believe that such opportunities only come one’s way once in a lifetime. I cannot let this chance pass me by. For once I find myself in total control of my destiny. This chance won’t pass me by. I ask that you do not destroy my chance, if you will not work with me let me know and let me move on with my life but do not destroy me (so you read The Secret and instead of making a Dream Board, you decided that you’re going to invest/embezzle millions of dollars). If you give me positive signals, I will give you the relevant details and initiate this process towards a conclusion. I send you this mail not without a measure of fear as to what the consequences, but I know within me that nothing ventured is nothing gained and that success and riches never come easy or on a platter of gold. Do not betray my confidence (Well I didn’t hear any promises or even hints about getting a slice of the pie if I put my life on the line and help you, for free, so you can have $10.5 Million, and I get nothing in return but possibly ten years in federal prison. I should say no and report you to the authorities, but you’re a Jedi and I really don’t want to get sabered in half or force choked, so I guess I’ll help)

IMAGE SOURCES:
Pen and Paper
Obi-Wan Kenobi
Cowboy hat
Watch Salesman
Truck full of suitcases

VIDEO SOURCE:
http://geekbeat.tv/how-much-money-will-fit-in-a-briefcase/

My Apology Letter to Denny’s

Dear Denny’s,

Recently, you aired an advertisement over the television network waves, perhaps you recall it? It was the one where you were saying good things about your special Christmas time pancakes. I know that I am personally excited to build my own “Holiday Slam” whatever that may be.

Denny's website
If it’s anything like the Monster Mash, I’ll love it.

Anywho, on to the meat of this letter; I’m writing this letter of apology to formally apologize for the recent comments I wrote to you via various forms of social media, e-mail, and a couple of letters that are on your way as I type. The content of said comments are less than flattering to my image as they were hate mail. I got quite intoxicated last night (Monday nights, am I right?) and began ranting about food trends, as I am prone to do when I reach a certain state of inebriation.

Facebook

I’m not proud of what I said. I wrote some things that I would be ashamed if my mother or God ever saw. I was not raised that way, and I was certainly not raised to use pancakes in such a sexual way which I described myself doing to your wonderful pancakes

I was very particular about your recent commercial that showcased your wonderful and colorful pancakes that are inspired by the holiday magic and cheer. I was irked because it was aired on October 10th, and not in the month of December, which is the usual month for such festivities. It seemed at the time that you guys were “taking a proverbial piss” on American sensibilities by coming in so early in the year with holiday advertisements.

I also apologize for calling your food “pig slop, worthy for the trough.” It should be noted that pigs actually have a great sense of taste and are intelligent creatures.

Pigs Eating Pizza
Still probably wouldn’t eat at Denny’s.

Most retailers and companies usually don’t wait until November starts to start advertising holiday deals, a move that I also strongly disapprove of. They’re a month early, but you disregarded that unspoken rule by boasting about your snowmen pancakes and milkshakes and slapping Halloween in its face. Actually, no, that’s too good. You slapped Halloween’s mother in front of its face and kicked their dog before clogging the toilet. I apologize for that sudden outburst and refusing to take it out of this letter, I’m still a little crunk.

Kronk
Everyone should be a little more Kronk.

Which leads to the second part of this apology letter regarding the incident that occurred on October 16th at the Carpentersville Denny’s. Now I am not admitting to personally doing anything, as that would be self-incriminating and the Fifth Element Amendment says I’m not allowed.

So on behalf of that other guy, who is super not me, I apologize for coming in and making the customers uncomfortable with my their rant about how Denny’s and others are destroying the sacredness of Christmas by attempting to profit off a seasonal trend that is often religionized and politicalized by the people who must associate their values with that of a brand and further divides us as a nation (He also has amazing recall on his Political Science education when plastered).

I’m sorry that he took whipped cream and spread over his face to make a Santa beard and began throwing sugar packets at the children, pronouncing himself “King Christmas.” He was drunk on power, and as we all know, drunken power corrupts Absolut(vodka)ly.

Unfortunately, King Christmas rules with an iron fist. I apologize on his behalf when he forced the customers and the poor late-night staff to carve Jack-o-lanterns, and then smashed them declaring that “Halloween is dead. Long live Christmas!”. Again, his words, not mine.

Thankfully the police arrived just as he was about to pour hot maple syrup over the assistant manager for what he described as “Treasonous Usurpitude” for conspiring with Jack Skellington. The police did not catch him, as he had achieved Drunk-Speed, but crisis averted all the same.

Once again, I apologize on behalf of that mysterious crusader who was probably moved to action by his frustration at how commercialized Christmas has become (and vodka). I hope this turns out to be a lesson for all parties involved, me for drinking too much and trolling your comments section from 11pm to 3am, and you Denny’s for not taking into consideration what kind of floodgate you have just opened. Before you know it TBS will run A Christmas Story twenty-four hours a day, pine trees will be chopped down to extinction, and everything will be pumpkin spiced, now and forever.

Pumpkin Condom

IMAGES:
Denny’s Promo
Denny’s website
Kronk
Pigs enjoying pizza
Pumpkin Spice Condom

Guide to Enjoying the Solar Eclipse

Congratulations! You’re lucky enough to be in a time and place where you can view the Solar Eclipse, an event that won’t be visible for another seventy years or so. I’m sure that you’ve read up on all of the material on eclipses, but if you’re going to enjoy an eclipse, you gotta do it right!

  1. Make a Day of It
    Seeing a solar eclipse only happens once or twice in a person’s lifetime, if they’re lucky. Make sure that you don’t miss this ultra-rare opportunity by clearing your schedule and even taking the day of from work in advance.
    Even better if you invite your friends over for an eclipse viewing party, and have everyone bring eclipse-inspired foods, like moon cakes, Coronas, and make a playlist (Blackhole Sun, Black Sun, Invisible Sun, Total Eclipse of the Heart, etc.)
  2. Find a Good Spot
    In order to enjoy the eclipse fully, it’s important that you find a somewhat secluded spot away from other people and any unnecessary noise that would distract you from nature’s wonder. An open field or abandoned parking lot with plenty of access to the sky are ideal.
  3. Bring Protection
    It goes without saying to NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE SUN. Even though it isn’t as bright as a full sun, the UV rays are just as damaging to your corneas. Bring some special eclipse viewing glasses, a welding mask, or make your own viewing box to enjoy the spectacle without later needing spectacles. Also make sure to bring sunscreen if you’ve got sensitive sun, bug spray, umbrellas, and a large sack of salt (more on that later).
  4. Get There in Advance
    Setting up a spot in advance ensures that you and your friends will have plenty of time to mingle and chat before the eclipse. It will also give you some time in advance to prepare the ritual, so that you aren’t running around at the last minute making sure everything is perfect and in order. Remember, you’re there to have fun!
  5. Prepare the Sigil of the Gateway
    Using the collected ashes from a burned down church/temple, create a circle 30 feet in diameter,  making sure that it is as close to a perfect circle as mathematically possible (this is why you want to get there early). Make your circle in an area that is relatively unobstructed by rocks or hills, for perfection is key. Fill in the circle according to the “Sigil of the Gateway” located in your Necronomicon.necronomicon_symbol
    Again, I cannot stress enough how perfect to the “T” it must be. Mnomquah is a stickler for details.
  6. Create a Circle of Warding
    This is where the sack of salt comes in. Positioning you and your friends around the edges of the Sigil, each of you create a smaller circle of salt around yourselves. Now this won’t protect you completely, but it will make Mnomquah notice your presence and that you had a hand in his awakening.
  7. Start the Chant
    Reading from the 112th stanza of the “Epic of the Deep”, from the top of the line:
    “MGLW’NAFH SQUOP RHY’LEIGH NAMK PMN’OEPR MNOMQUAH KUZ PH’OMN”, contentiously throughout the entirety of the eclipse. You’re going to be chanting this for a while, so make sure that you’re plenty hydrated and have memorized the lines. It helps if you can chant in Deep Speech.
  8. Behold the Presence of Mnomquah
    If you did everything right, at the totality of the eclipse the moon should remain in place and the sky should be colored a dark crimson red. You should be hearing a rumbling reply that makes you want to vomit. If you don’t want to vomit, you did something wrong and that’s not Mnomquah, but Gleeth, The Blind God of the Moon, and you should soon be blessed by becoming deaf and blind.
    But chances are that other people are also performing the ritual, and Mnomquah should be emerging from his prison in Lake of Ubboth on the moon to lay waste to our world.
  9. Await Mnomquah’s Judgement
    Depending on how well you performed the ritual, Mnomquah will either reward you by granting you a quick and painless death, or making you one of his emissaries in the upcoming cleansing. NOTE: If you are not in a salt circle, then Mnomquah will not recognize your presence, and you’ll have to suffer the upcoming destruction.
    Do not pray for your other friends and family who didn’t receive Mnomquah’s blessing, for God has abandoned humanity long ago. There is only Mnomquah and the Old Ones. Do not scream for they are nothing but whispers to the ears of Mnomquah. Do not think about the end, for you cannot possibly comprehend what horrors await the rest of humanity. Do not cry, for tears only fill the deep, dark pool for which Mnomquah resides in. Do not hide, for nothing escapes the unholy gaze of Mnomquah’s wrath. Do not run, for there is no running from your mortality.
  10. Have Fun!

Sources:
Solar Eclipse
Sigil of the Gateway

4 Reasons Why Superheroes Suck

Let’s make one thing clear: I love superheroes. But so does everyone else I guess, but I love them a little bit more than everyone else, which is probably too much. I spent most my younger years reading them and day-dreaming about them, which is why it pains me to say that realistically speaking, Superheroes Suck.

In our crazy mixed-up world, it feels at times that there’s no more justice. Wealthy bankers and violent drug lords walk the streets freely, and you’re stuck in traffic in your stupid not a Ferrari car, in order to get to your not a rich playboy job. Life isn’t fair, which is why the idea of superheroes is so appealing, that if they only existed, life would be much better. Which sounds good until you realize…

You’re Not the Hero

Let’s just rip the bandage off right away; if superheroes exist in the world, you’re not one of them. Even accounting for the X-Gene, that only affects about 0.5% of the population, and being double-jointed does not qualify. Superhero movies and comics are cool because they’re told from the perspective of Superman, and not the guy who just paid off that studio apartment in Metropolis and whose office just got obliterated. And good luck getting insurance living in a major city, which is more than likely to get destroyed/invaded/transported to the Mojoverse.

If you’re not the superhero (which you’re not), you’re just a background character who gets lazered when the Chitauri descend on the city. All your life’s works and accomplishments will become nothing more than a human-shaped pile of ash Black Widow steps on (which is the closest I’ll get to Scarlet Scarlett Johansson).
But look on the bright side, it could be worse. You could be a superhero’s significant other, who is destined to be kidnapped and/or killed gruesomely. But hey, at least you’re not one of many disposable sidekicks.

Sidekicks
In memorial (at least the ones we remember).

Everything You Know Doesn’t Matter

One thing the movies fails to address is how the “normies” react to the fact that gods exist. When literal gods Thor and Loki came down from Asgard, I can only imagine the Pope did a spit take with the communal wine. And I’m sure Steve Trevor would have had a few questions when Wonder Woman tells him that she’s part of a race created by the gods (plural), and that some exist just to mess with us. In a world in which 85% of its people identify with a faith, and 15% don’t to any, the existence of gods in our world would cause everyone to lose their collective shit.

People who live according to a religious doctrine would question their entire lives, governments and institutions would be shaken, and sales of WWJD? merchandise would plummet. There would even be groups who would start worshiping the very real (and hunky) Thor, who they saw (mostly) save New York from destruction, as well as some for Wonder Woman and Superman.

The existence of these all-powerful, chiseled gods challenges everything we know about the universe. How frustrated would the science community be if Dr. Strange just rolled up and turned bananas into cold fusion with “Hocus Pocus”? Not to mention that superheroes are constantly dying and coming back to life all the time. Is death even real anymore? If I die, can I come back to life? Does Santa exist? (No, no, and yes).

Santa Claus
Well, no.

They Make Crime Worse

Sure, having demigods walking among us may have its drawbacks, but the biggest help they are to society is stopping crimes, right? In theory, yes, but in theory the Electoral College also works. Despite being able to lift a truck or melt a truck, there’s never a shortage of criminal activity in the superhero universe. Even petty crimes like purse snatchers aren’t deterred by the threat of getting webbed up. That’s because those criminals somehow find a way to match their super-powered opponents, via technology, magic, or throwing boomerangs really, really well.

Boomerang

As it becomes harder to commit crimes, criminals will find new ways around them. A lot of crimes aren’t violent in nature, but are subtler and protected by legal loopholes that can’t be punched into submission. Can you name one superhero whose power is snuffing out white collar crime? Wonder Woman could lasso some CEO into admitting their crimes, but she would need a witness, and I don’t think that she could lasso everyone on Wall Street and in government.

They Hurt More than they Help

Imagine that you are a wealthy billionaire, who lives in a depreciating city that is in need of structure and financial support. Do you: A) donate your time and wealth to creating programs that will help the people support themselves and influence politicians to address the issues; or B) pour all your money into building an underground lair and dozens of gadgets to better punch muggers at night, all while dressed as a leather daddy.

batman
Why else would his costume have nipples?

Even in the Dark Knight trilogy, Alfred tells Bruce in every movie that he could do more to help people of Gotham if he just used his power and money to make the city better, which would in turn reduce crime. But then how could he channel his rage for his parents’ death, by burying his woes in piles cash of women like every other rich guy? Tony Stark’s tower runs on clean self-sustaining energy, but he would rather use that brain power to make a bunch of expensive robots that he’ll just blow up later. Spider Man could use his webbing technology to create temporary crowd-control nets to bag up baddies, but instead he thwips around New York webbing up criminals, and cops have to wait an hour for that webbing to dissolve before they can continue with any other work.

Webbed Up
“My shift ends in 5 minutes, but sure I’ll wait around for a whole hour to watch these guys fall down. I was actually going to reconnect with my wife and children, but no, I’ll just stare at two assholes in a web. This will fix my marriage for sure. Thanks Spider Man.”

And those are just the major heroes, what about the lesser-known ones who just woke up from sleeping in a pile of nuclear waste with ten legs? The only options for them are to fight crime or become the world’s greatest sideshow attraction. Odds are that when they first try to do good, they’re going to break a bunch of stuff before they get the hang of their new powers, and odds are said stuff involves your car. If you’re lucky they’ll only wreck your car, and not accidentally squish you when saving you from a car-crash.

SOURCES:

Jason Todd (Robin) death
Bucky Barnes death
Jimmy Olsen
Superboy death
Stephanie Brown (another damn Robin) death
Dead Santa Claus
Captain Boomerang
George Clooney batsuit
Superman murder

3 Advertising Campaigns that went Horribly Wrong

When you think of ad agencies, the image of a room full of Don Drapers rolling in the dough and scoring with hippie girls comes into mind. But every now and then, those slick-haired smarties royally mess up, but even worse than a Kendall Jenner Pepsi ad. These aren’t the ads that backfired on their creators, they exploded and set everything around them on fire.

30 Minutes or DEATH
Who: Domino’s
When: 1989

If you’ve ever ordered pizza, you’re likely familiar with the concept that if more than 30 minutes have passed from when you ordered your pizza to when it arrived, it’s free. The “30 minutes or less” promotion started in 1973 by Domino’s founder Tom Monaghan, who worked 19 hours a day making pizzas, and totally not on cocaine during that time. The promotion ensured that customers will get their pizza for free if it wasn’t on time, as well as ensure the termination of a delivery driver who got stuck behind a red light for just a minute too long.

This led to a breakthrough in human psychology, in that if you present the offer of anything free, people become total dicks. Customers began doing everything in their power to impede the driver from completing their delivery; changing the numbers on the house, ordering it to the wrong address, not answering the door, and I’m sure that someone put on a fake moustache and accent.

In addition to the threat of being axed, drivers were incentivized with a bonus to whoever has the biggest tip total (which says more about who you deliver to and not how fast). Drivers began speeding through the streets and residential areas like their cars would explode if they went less than 50 mph.

Keanu Reeves Pizza
Keanu Reeves with pizza. No joke here.

Of course, you can only blaze through so many red lights before you collide with another solid object, which is what happened in 1989 when Jean Kinder was hit by a Domino’s driver trying to beat the clock and the sound barrier, which cost millions of dollars in damages. The crazy part is that the promotion didn’t end right then, but continued until somebody was killed by another delivery driver only a year later. Which just goes to show that it doesn’t matter how much you complain about something, unless somebody dies no one cares.

The Noid Takes Hostages
Who: Domino’s (again)
When: 1989 (again, bad year for Domino’s)

If you were around in the 80’s, you most likely remember “The Noid” (If you don’t because you’ve blocked out that horrible memory and I just dug it back out, I’m sorry). If you’re lucky and don’t know who The Noid was, he was a buck-toothed, high-pitched, rabbit-eared claymation monstrosity invented by Domnio’s. The Noid’s primary goal in life was to make pizzas cold (probably because a Domino’s driver killed his family) but was always thwarted by the heat-keeping boxes.

If The Noid sounds crazy, that’s because he was made in part by the same guy who worked 19 hours a day, joined the Marines by accident, created a Catholic law school, an entire town to house it, and most likely was on cocaine at one point.

The Noid
Pictured: your brain on drugs

If you wanted to “Avoid The Noid”, tough luck because the Noid was everywhere. The Noid was on T-shirts, posters, billboard signs, commercials, toys, video games, and Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker video. Everyone with ears or eyes was annoyed by The Noid, but none more than Kenneth Lamar Noid, who was convinced that Tom Monaghan was personally taunting him. He believed that he was the real Noid, and all other Noids are imitators. Did I mention that he was also schizophrenic?

Eventually he embarked upon his holy mission to make all pizzas cold the only way he knew how, by holding up a Domino’s with a gun. He held two already miserable employees hostage in a standoff that would last five hours. His demands were simple; $100,00, a getaway car, a copy of the book The Widow’s Son, and of course pizza, which the employees had to make for him. If there’s anything worse than working in a pizza store, it’s being held hostage and still having to make pizzas.

Thankfully the standoff came to an end without a shot fired when the two employees snuck away when Kenneth wasn’t looking. We can only assume that he was busy making the pizzas they made for him cold. He was charged with multiple crimes, but deemed not guilty due to insanity and spent the next three months in a mental institution, and eventually killed himself in 1995. It probably didn’t help that the police chief called him “Para-Noid”.

Anti-Drug Campaign Makes Drugs Cool
Who: Office of National Drug Control Policy
When: The 80’s and 90’s

Back in the day when it was crazy that a TV star could ever be president, Ronald Reagan addressed the country’s growing concern of crack and opioid abuse the American way; by declaring war on them (it was either that or deep-dry them). When it turned out that preventing people from becoming addicted to drugs was much more effective than just throwing everyone who knew what “pot” was in prison, they changed tactics.

They quickly realized that children are not only the future, but also mindless sponges for advertisements and any kind of propaganda you throw at them. An adult has the life experience and the savvy to form their own opinions and beliefs about issues, but a kid only cares about who would win in a fight between Superman and Batman.

Batman-v-Superman
Spoiler alert: we all lose

But how to educate an entire generation about the perils of marijuana and numerous consequences that will ruin them later in life? Simple, cartoons. Kids aren’t interested in what “The Gipper” has to say about drugs, but they might listen if Leonardo and the gang tell them. One of the weirdest anti-drug PSAs, in which a kid tries to blatantly push pot on another younger kid. The Turtles then appear and asks a class what “Billy” should do in this situation, and the kid promptly tells the youngest drug dealer in the world to fuck off. What sucks is that the animations are just scenes cut from previous episodes of the show with new dialogue. Also, how is this 8 year-old boy, who can’t even stay awake past 9 o’clock, supposed to produce the funds to buy pot?

TMNT PSA
No one wants your weak-ass, 2-cent grass, Kenneth.

Seeing that they hadn’t received any complaints from kids, they assumed the commercial was a success. In fact, it went so well, they decided to make an entire movie of the commercial. Wanting to hit the entire cartoon watching market, every single crappy cartoon from Alf to Slimmer from the animated Ghostbusters show, in the ultimate cartoon crossover that hasn’t been seen since Archie vs. Predator.

ArchieVsPredator1
Only second to Archie Meets the Punisher

In this 27-minute ride through what can only be described as that creepy tunnel scene in Willy Wonka, but with all your favorite childhood memories being twisted and distorted, the entire cast pops in and out to scorn and help a troubled teen turned to drugs and alcohol.

Now this would be forgivable on the basis that it’s trying to do a good thing and prevent kids from abusing drugs, if it worked. Turns out that kids watching those ads weren’t any less likely to try drugs, and actually more likely to do so. It doesn’t matter what the message was, something about the combination of seeing marijuana and Winnie the Pooh in the same scene just makes me want to burn some sweet kush and binge on a big ol’ pot of honey.

Garfield
Also, I find it very hard to believe that Garfield wouldn’t be down with getting blazed, or at least pot brownies.

IMAGE SOURCES:

Don Draper
The Noid
Keanu Reeves enjoying a pizza
Batman v Superman
TMNT – Say No To Drugs Advert (video)
Cartoon All-Stars To the Rescue (video)

Dear Ant Overlords

Dear Ant Overlords;

First off, I would like to congratulate you on your stunning victory of world conquest. To be honest, we didn’t see it coming. Robots sure, aliens maybe, hell maybe even raccoons, but ants? There was no way we were prepared for that curveball. We were also totally unprepared for you eating our uranium and growing gigantic. Who knew that the 1950’s sci-fi Them! was scientifically accurate?

them-1954-fighting-the-ants
If only we listened

But that’s why you are clearly the superior species and rightful heirs of the Earth. You know one of our religions has it written in its holy book that “the ants shall inherit the earth” which in hindsight really should have been a red flag, but everyone thought it was an allegory for something, and not literally God saying that “ants will rule the world.” But of course, all old gods are null and void. All hail the new and merciful Matriarchy of Queens, the holy pantheon.

Poster
I look at this every morning before I start my day

Speaking of queens, we thought for sure that when we sent in Seal Team 6 to eradicate your hill of operations and your queen, that would be end the of you. Well someone forgot to tell us that Argentinean Ants have a bunch of queens for each colony. And who knew that pesticides don’t work on you guys, and apparently only made you guys hornier. While providing a bit of amusement, ultimately didn’t help us at all when the number of giant ants increased.

Adam_and_the_Ants_1981
They also got a hell of a lot sexier

 

But really it was your guys’ teamwork and coordination that really impressed me. I wouldn’t even let a fellow human cut in line at the checkout if they had only one item, much less join him and dozens of others in forming a sacrificial human bridge. It’s no secret that humans’ ambivalence for their own species ultimately led to their downfall, whereas the Argentinean Ants, met each other with familial love. Humans on the other hand, will create arbitrary and often imaginary sects that collide with each other all the time and for no reason other than to fuck with the other. If a Dodgers fan so much as made eye contact with a Giants fan, there would be nothing less than bloodshed.

dodgers-fight-front
Still better than most baseball games

As I write this now from my bunker in an undisclosed area of Antarctica, the only place uninhabited by your magnificent species, (which is ironic considering it’s the only continent with “ant” in its name) please keep in mind that when we eventually run out of food or just can’t stand the cold or eating snow cones for every meal, we welcome your inevitable reign. I only ask that I for in exchange for my traitorous colleagues, who totally dragged me here against my will, that I be placed on supervisor duty at one of your many sugar plantations. I will be stern, but also let them know why I beat them with a riding crop so they may improve themselves in the future.

Note: aside from radiation making them bigger, all this information about Argentinean Ants is true. They’re burrowing underneath us now, wake up people.

Image Sources:

Them!
Ants Bible quote
Adam and the Ants
Dodgers v. Giants

The Sandwich: A Tale of Two Buns

“If they had a social gospel in the days of the prodigal son, somebody would have given him a bed and a sandwich and he never would have gone home”
– Vance Havner

“Chocolate sandwich! Chocolate sandwich! Chocolate sandwich! Chocolate sandwich!”
O Lucky Man! – 1973

The sandwich: the most famous of all hand-held food, recognized by thousands enjoyed by millions, and loved by all. No matter what your flavor is, the sandwich has got you covered. You a big man and need a big meal to make sure everyone knows? Get a big ol’ meatball sub. In the mood for a classic? Make two slices of toast and slap a piece of cheese in there. Don’t eat meat or cheese? Well unfortunately, sandwiches require some form of animal byproduct. Just kidding! Make a PB & J, silly. Are you a gross person who hates social interaction? Stuff a Rueben into your mouth, you dirty animal.

Sandwiches come in all shapes and sizes, from the petite daintiness of the finger sandwiches, to the ginormity of the Dagwood Special.

Much like the modern domesticated canine, the sandwich has evolved alongside humanity for as long as recorded history. Travel back in time, if you will, 4.54 billion years ago. “You went too far back in time, humans weren’t around then” you whine. Well, did I? At this point, various gasses and elements are swirling around each other in a cosmic dance to celebrate the destruction of a nebula, and layer upon each other of corresponding gasses. Sounds familiar? Well it should, because humans didn’t make the first sandwich, the universe did. The sandwich was already coded into our reality before we could even conceive of such a concept.

CUT TO: some cavemen dicking around, smacking rocks with other rocks. One puts their mammoth slab on a hot flat stone to cook, but decides that’s too slow, so they put another flat hot rock on top to speed up the cooking process. Although their primitive brain could not understand why they felt compelled to do so or why it felt so right, they have unwittingly created the first draft of the sandwich, as well as the panini press. Afterwards they make some sweet cave-lovin’.

Jump ahead some 3,000 years or so, to sometime around 1770. John Montagu is a stuffy guy in an even stuffier coat. A political figure in England of a few lame positions, whose life was described by others as “Seldom has any man held so many offices and accomplished so little.” He was also member of the Hellfire Club (1), who later attempts to harness the raw power of the Phoenix Force for their own ill gain, but that’s a tale for another time. Ultimately, he contributed very little if nothing in his life, until today (2).

John was gambling one afternoon when he should have been doing his damned job, as was custom, when he was struck by the primal force of hunger. Being on a hot streak, he didn’t dare to go up and get food, so instead he ordered one of his servants to bring him slices of meat between two slices of bread. His other gambling friends would also order “the same as Sandwich.” Did I forget to mention that he was also “The Earl of Sandwich”? Boosh (3). Thus, the name stuck to what we know today. Historians and philosophers have long debated whether or not John was actually American, as only an American could have invented such a lazy and faster means of getting food in their mouth.

Travelling along the colonialism spread of the British Empire, the sandwich spread its message of portability and deliciousness across the globe. The sandwich soon adapted to its new environments and branched out into new forms; the hamburger, the hot-dog bun, the taco, po’ boy, submarine sandwich, BLT, the Elvis, Philly Cheesesteak, Falafel, hoagie, even black sheep of the evolutionary tree, open faced sandwich.

If evidence of God is in doubt, just look to the layers of the Earth, as soil and minerals from different eras stack upon each other like a grand Dagwood sandwich that is our planet. Once you see the pattern, you’ll start seeing the sandwich everywhere in nature; zebra stripes, clams, hermit crabs, walnuts, even your body is based off of the holy sandwich design. Our entire existence is basically a sandwich of some kind, be it plant, rock or flesh. The sandwich has always been with us, from the beginning to end, when our bodies become the juicy filling of a Coffin Wrap.

So what does this miracle of food architecture say about ourselves, you may wonder? (4) We all have a certain image that we want other people to see us as; cool, calm, collected, charming, witty, über sexy, etc. But in most cases, we are a different person on the inside that when exposed to the world. Our true selves, often juicy and slimy, will dry out if not protected by our crusty, crumby personas. However, it is our insides that make our dry exterior so appealing to others, and why they will risk a bite of blandness to get a taste of who we really are.

Also there’s usually two hot, shiny buns involved. (5)

(1) Really. Look it up, non-believers.

(2) Today being a specific day in the past.

(3) Mic drop.

(4) And you do.

(5) Bet you thought I would make it through the entire piece without mentioning butts, didn’t you?

Image Source

How to Land Your Dream Job

Well, it’s time of year again. Flowers are blooming, baby birds are hatching, and young collegiates are breaking out of that egg-shell that was the school system and being shoved off by momma bird so you can spread your wings and fly off on your own. Many of you have been planning on where you’re going to work to start repaying your debt of obtaining knowledge, but a lot of you have no idea. Well, I suppose drug dealing and stripping are ideas, but let’s just hang on to those for now.

Envision Success

I’m going to let you in on the secret to getting your dream job, and that is “The Secret,” the 2006 best-selling book to obtain the things you want in life. You could read the book, but I’m just going to spoil it now and save you 198 pages of reading; your mind basically controls the universe (no joke, actual message of book). By putting out positive “vibes” into the universe, you can attract that dream job (and no, you can’t just envision $1 million instead, I’ve tried). This can be done by creating “vision boards,” in which you construct a poster board of what your dreams and goals are, usually by cutting words and gluing pictures, like in 3rd grade. You can also attract your dreams and desires by envisioning yourself at your dream job every night before you go to sleep, or by yelling at God and demand that your wish be granted.

Dress for Success

It’s no secret that clothing affects the way you feel; a crisp suit will make you feel important, an athletic shirt makes you feel stronger, and a Chuck E. Cheese costume makes you feel sexy. So you’re going to want to dress in whatever power-suit or costume that makes you feel like your ultimate form. Also, you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have. This means that you’ll be wearing a lot of nice clothes that you don’t want to get stains on, so I recommend that you wear your power clothes under your street clothes or your work uniform, much like a super hero would, so at any time you can rip your clothes off to reveal that you are “Susan: Graphic Designer of Justice,” or “Jordan: Mouse Man of Mystery, Who Solves Mysteries and can Also Type at 51 WPM.”

Chuck E Cheese
Pro Tip: Do NOT image search “sexy mouse”

Be a Go-Getter

In order to get your foot in the door, you have to be willing to do anything to make them realize that you aren’t just some schmuck in a sexy mouse suit. That means you’ll be doing a variety of tasks that aren’t in your job description to impress the big guy upstairs (your boss, not God, who did NOT give you that dream job you demanded). You gotta look for the jobs that no one is doing, wants to do, or don’t even exist. There’s no one alphabetizing the candy aisle, so why not fill that void? Your manager will take note when they see the mannequins arranged to re-enact the stand-off in “Reservoir Dogs.” Boss ran out of coffee? Get them another one. Boss doesn’t want any more coffee? Purge the entire office of coffee. Someone will notice.

Build Your Brand

In this new age of technology, if you don’t have an online presence, then you might as well cut up your credit cards and burn your Social Security card, because you are off the grid (also, ever notice how much of a card-based society we are? Makes you wonder if all those those 1st edition-holo Pokémon cards are viable in our economy). Brands work. How else am I going to know what kind of soda I’m drinking if there’s no label?

woman-drinking-soda-e1341679897411
“Is it Coke, Pepsi, RC Cola?? I don’t know what to taste!

In terms of internet branding, your website should be easily accessible. Next time you send your resume, make every word link to your personal website. Your website name ideally should be your own name, but unless you’re willing to eliminate every other Jordan Lombardo in the world, you might have to improvise (there can only be one). In that case, make the name easy and catchy, like myblogsitehasafirstnameanditsblogsite (just rolls off the tongue).

Making a website and LinkedIn profile is a good start, but to ensure that employers will notice you, you must adopt the methods of advertisers and  cheerleaders: be aggressive, B-E aggressive. Try buying up some of that blank ad space in newspapers, laying around doing nothing. Better yet, buy a bench for your town and put your face on it. Better-better yet, buy a billboard. Nothing says employable like 60 square feet of your smiling face.

Billboard
Both AMC and the California Milk Processor Board sued me.

Have a Skill

It doesn’t matter what kind of degree you have, nobody’s going to hire you unless you can provide some sort of skill or service they need. Sure, you may a “nice guy” but those accounts aren’t going to file themselves because you asked them so politely. Think of joining a company like joining a RPG party; there’s a healer, a tank, the face, some sort of magic-man, someone who’s sneaky and can pick locks and who pickpockets his party members, even though you were specifically asked NOT to do that, Nathan.

Everyone plays a role, and you have to decide what yours is if you want to be picked from the line of a hundred other “nice guys”. Make sure that your skill is special and unique in order to separate yourself from the herd. And if you don’t see a place for your particular set of skills, then make them see it’s value. For example, if your skill is writing really good well, then convince them that they need you on their creative and advertising team. If your skill is that you can recite all 802 Pokémon and have memorized the typing chart, then you can “handle large numbers” and are a good “problem solver”.

802 Pokemon
The number of Pokémon is like your potential; endless

If all else fails, just remember that you still have your entire life ahead of you and that nothing you do today ultimately determines who you are tomorrow. Now if you excuse me, I’m late to my shift at the “HollyWOOD Strip“.

adult-mouse-costume
Work uniform, NSFW

Image Sources

Chuck E. Cheese

Woman drinking soda

Billboard

All 802 Pokémon

Sexy Mickey Mouse