So it seems that you’ve gotten yourself into a tussle with the Hulkster, Mr. America himself, the Super Destroyer, Terry Boulder, etc., I don’t need to paint a word picture for you here, it’s the Hulk, and he’s pissed.
Why you are fighting him isn’t really up for debate, really there are a number of ways you could land in this position. Maybe you accused him of juicing in front of his fans, maybe you challenged him for the title of “Hulk”, or maybe you insulted his mentor Hiro Matsuda; it doesn’t take much to get into a fight with the Hulk. That’s not my place to judge, but rather to guide you to victory or at least an honorable death.
Deciding on the Terms
Now it’s important to establish exactly what kind of fight you’ve gotten yourself into. Perhaps Hulk Hogan let you decide the terms of the battle much like how Death plays for mortals’ eternal souls. If so, challenge him to something you know you can beat him at, like wearing the smallest shirt without ripping them to shreds, or maybe chess, as his meaty fingers will crush his own pieces. He will tempt you into a musical battle, but it’s a ruse, as he had a prolific career as a musician.
Now the easiest solution would to just shoot him, but chances are that you will be wrestling, and the only gun allowed in the ring is a staple gun. You will also be in front of millions of his viewers and fans, which only empowers the Hulkster as he feeds off the love of a nation. How else would he look this good at 64?
Being an honorable warrior, the Hulk gave you a month to train and prepare for the fight, which really is just delaying the inevitable, but it gives him time to hype up the event. Now you could just run away and start a new life in Toronto, but you risk being dragged into the ring in shame as the Hulk beats you to death with your own foot.
I don’t know how fit you are now, but no amount of cross-fit and training will prepare you physically to fight the Hulk… unless you juice up. While frowned upon in the wrestling community, they’re probably not going to test you the day of the match. Think about it; he’s super famous and got tons of fans and money; isn’t he cheating at life? This will just even the odds.
Get into Character
They won’t let you into the ring dressed as “Gary in his workout clothes”, you got to have an angle. You want to spend the majority of your time constructing a back story and designing a costume, which you have now between driving to the back of the YMCA to get your juice. Really it could be anything, the sky’s the limit. A really good one is to be “The Kluh Nagoh”, Hulk Hogan’s mirror world counter-part. It’s easy, just dress the same as him with contrasting colors, with 24-inch thighs and a mutton chops.
Day of the fight; the media has been covering this 24/7 at Hulk Hogan’s triumph return to the ring and possibly murdering some guy. You grease yourself up with oil for shine, walk down the stage, sparklers on the sides, entrance music blasting (Controversy, by Prince), the crowd’s loving it. Jump into the ring and holy shit he just ate his own shirt.
Realize that this was a Horrible Idea
Okay don’t panic, the bell already rung and cameras are on, there’s no running from this point on. You could try, but who’s going to hire someone who dishonored Hulk Hogan in the ring and in front of America? The best thing to do at this point is dodge, flex, and hype up the crowd as best you can while sliding across the ring like an oily penguin. While not particularly honorable, also technically not against the rules. If you must engage him in combat, DO NOT get near those meat pipes he calls arms. Go for the tender parts of the body, like the toes or ears if you feel lucky enough.
This Man is Invincible
Okay, so he’s pretty much indestructible, and the lack of exercise and excess of steroids in your system is making it real hard to move and breathe (you could have at least done some push-ups or something). After he’s done throwing you from corner to corner and pinning you down, the best thing to do is accept your faith and know that you died an honorable- wait, who’s that creeping up behind the Hulk?
That’s right! Hulk Hogan’s kryptonite, Earthquake, has struck a deal with you beforehand to take his revenge on the Hulkster. There’s nothing illegal about being a heel. With a swift swing of a metal chair, the Hulk has released his hold on you, giving you enough time to slide out from his monstrous (and somewhat comforting) arms. The best thing to do now is chill on the outside of the ring while Earthquake finishes the job he never could without the Hulk wearing himself out trying to pin your slippery ass down. Maybe throw a chair or beer bottle in every now and then. Just kick back and bask in the glow of victory.
Earthquake has me Pinned Down
Ouch, the Camel Clutch. Well shit, that sucks. But that’s the risk you took when you sided with a heel. Maybe you should have tried a little harder to win over John Cena or The Rock on your side. I’d tell you to slide away, but you ran out of oil ten minutes in, and now the janitor is going to have to clean up blood AND oil from the mat. Nice one jerk. Look on the bright side, you can proudly say that you went toe-to-toe with Hulk Hogan and won, though you’ll have to stay out of the ring from now on lest he try to take his revenge in a re-match. Just let yourself slip into unconsciousness by Earthquake’s pillowy arms.