Well, it’s time of year again. Flowers are blooming, baby birds are hatching, and young collegiates are breaking out of that egg-shell that was the school system and being shoved off by momma bird so you can spread your wings and fly off on your own. Many of you have been planning on where you’re going to work to start repaying your debt of obtaining knowledge, but a lot of you have no idea. Well, I suppose drug dealing and stripping are ideas, but let’s just hang on to those for now.
I’m going to let you in on the secret to getting your dream job, and that is “The Secret,” the 2006 best-selling book to obtain the things you want in life. You could read the book, but I’m just going to spoil it now and save you 198 pages of reading; your mind basically controls the universe (no joke, actual message of book). By putting out positive “vibes” into the universe, you can attract that dream job (and no, you can’t just envision $1 million instead, I’ve tried). This can be done by creating “vision boards,” in which you construct a poster board of what your dreams and goals are, usually by cutting words and gluing pictures, like in 3rd grade. You can also attract your dreams and desires by envisioning yourself at your dream job every night before you go to sleep, or by yelling at God and demand that your wish be granted.
Dress for Success
It’s no secret that clothing affects the way you feel; a crisp suit will make you feel important, an athletic shirt makes you feel stronger, and a Chuck E. Cheese costume makes you feel sexy. So you’re going to want to dress in whatever power-suit or costume that makes you feel like your ultimate form. Also, you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have. This means that you’ll be wearing a lot of nice clothes that you don’t want to get stains on, so I recommend that you wear your power clothes under your street clothes or your work uniform, much like a super hero would, so at any time you can rip your clothes off to reveal that you are “Susan: Graphic Designer of Justice,” or “Jordan: Mouse Man of Mystery, Who Solves Mysteries and can Also Type at 51 WPM.”
Be a Go-Getter
In order to get your foot in the door, you have to be willing to do anything to make them realize that you aren’t just some schmuck in a sexy mouse suit. That means you’ll be doing a variety of tasks that aren’t in your job description to impress the big guy upstairs (your boss, not God, who did NOT give you that dream job you demanded). You gotta look for the jobs that no one is doing, wants to do, or don’t even exist. There’s no one alphabetizing the candy aisle, so why not fill that void? Your manager will take note when they see the mannequins arranged to re-enact the stand-off in “Reservoir Dogs.” Boss ran out of coffee? Get them another one. Boss doesn’t want any more coffee? Purge the entire office of coffee. Someone will notice.
Build Your Brand
In this new age of technology, if you don’t have an online presence, then you might as well cut up your credit cards and burn your Social Security card, because you are off the grid (also, ever notice how much of a card-based society we are? Makes you wonder if all those those 1st edition-holo Pokémon cards are viable in our economy). Brands work. How else am I going to know what kind of soda I’m drinking if there’s no label?
In terms of internet branding, your website should be easily accessible. Next time you send your resume, make every word link to your personal website. Your website name ideally should be your own name, but unless you’re willing to eliminate every other Jordan Lombardo in the world, you might have to improvise (there can only be one). In that case, make the name easy and catchy, like myblogsitehasafirstnameanditsblogsite (just rolls off the tongue).
Making a website and LinkedIn profile is a good start, but to ensure that employers will notice you, you must adopt the methods of advertisers and cheerleaders: be aggressive, B-E aggressive. Try buying up some of that blank ad space in newspapers, laying around doing nothing. Better yet, buy a bench for your town and put your face on it. Better-better yet, buy a billboard. Nothing says employable like 60 square feet of your smiling face.
Have a Skill
It doesn’t matter what kind of degree you have, nobody’s going to hire you unless you can provide some sort of skill or service they need. Sure, you may a “nice guy” but those accounts aren’t going to file themselves because you asked them so politely. Think of joining a company like joining a RPG party; there’s a healer, a tank, the face, some sort of magic-man, someone who’s sneaky and can pick locks and who pickpockets his party members, even though you were specifically asked NOT to do that, Nathan.
Everyone plays a role, and you have to decide what yours is if you want to be picked from the line of a hundred other “nice guys”. Make sure that your skill is special and unique in order to separate yourself from the herd. And if you don’t see a place for your particular set of skills, then make them see it’s value. For example, if your skill is writing really
good well, then convince them that they need you on their creative and advertising team. If your skill is that you can recite all 802 Pokémon and have memorized the typing chart, then you can “handle large numbers” and are a good “problem solver”.
If all else fails, just remember that you still have your entire life ahead of you and that nothing you do today ultimately determines who you are tomorrow. Now if you excuse me, I’m late to my shift at the “HollyWOOD Strip“.